A New Mission
by gawilliams
Summary: Three years after Endgame, Kathryn Janeway is happily married to Chakotay, but has trouble dealing with the years on Voyager and not liking being an Admiral. Here's how some help from the past comes to her aid.
1. Chapter 1

_**Office of Admiral Spock, Director of Deep Space Exploration, Starfleet Headquarters**_

__Admiral Spock, famed First Officer to the legendary James T. Kirk, was in his office working on the specifications for a new exploratory mission he had been pressing for for some time since the end of the Dominion War. When that war had began, he had returned to the Federation from Romulus where he had been engaged in unification efforts for some time. Upon offering his services to Starfleet, as he had been a Captain when he had retired nearly ninety years before, he had been quickly promoted to full Admiral and placed in command of a small fleet of starships that maintained a very important protective presence in the Noravian Sector, a key commercial route for Federation commerce. His fleet had engaged the Dominion forces a number of times and he had been one of the few fleet commanders to win every time and lose no ships in the process. Once the war had been concluded, he had been87 asked to stay in Starfleet and become the first Director of the new exploratory department. He had consented and was now working to maneuver Starfleet into carrying out it's most fundamental role, exploration, which he felt had been sadly neglected since the time when he and the original Enterprise had been on the two famous five year missions.

Today he would have an important meeting. He was scheduled to meet and speak with Vice-Admiral Kathryn Janeway. He had never met her before, but knew a great deal about her and her time in the Delta Quadrant. He had met and become friends with her husband, Captain Chakotay, who currently was in command of the refitted Voyager. Chakotay had informed him that Janeway was not pleased with being a member of the Admiralty headquartered at Command. Spock had informed Chakotay that he knew what the likely reason was and would be pleased to speak with her in an effort to try and prevent her from developing the deep, stultifying depressions that his best friend, the late James Kirk, had suffered from due to being a Flag Officer. As it so happened, he had just the thing to aid in that effort.

"Admiral, Admiral Janeway is here for your meeting," his aide, Ensign Shrella, an Andorian recently graduated from the Academy at the top of her class, said through the intercom.

"Send her in, please, Ensign," Spock ordered. He had been impressed with Shrella's work on slipstream theory, and had offered her the position of being his chief aide. It was ordinarily a position that called for a full Commander, but he had wanted an aide that was well versed in the sciences and her final thesis had intrigued him.

Vice-Admiral Janeway walked in and surveyed the austere office. It was furnished in comfortable, yet spartan, pieces of furniture, with a scattering of holo-images from his career. One image in particular caught her attention. Looking closer, she saw that it was an image of James T. Kirk and his famous Senior Staff, though it was obviously just before Kirk had retired. It showed Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scott, Sulu, Chekov, and Uhura. Kirk, Spock, Scott, and Sulu wore the old style rank insignia of Captain, so she knew that it was during the time that Sulu had been in command of the Excelsior. Spock still looked much the same, though his hair was now grey, with white at the temples. He was tall and slender, with his face showing some of his age through the now noticeable, though not extensive, lines that all developed in old age. At over 160 years old, he was into early old age by Vulcan standards. He could, though, expect to have nearly 80 to 90 years left if his good health continued.

"It was taken at the conclusion of the Khitomer Conference," Spock remarked, having noticed where her gaze had landed. "Then-Captain Sulu had come aboard the Enterprise-A to share a meal with us one last time as Kirk, McCoy, Scott, and myself were scheduled to retire when we returned to Earth."

"I remember reading of that Conference when I was at the Academy," Janeway mused. She held up her hand on the traditional Vulcan salute. "Peace and long life," she intoned the ritual salutation.

"Long life and prosperity," Spock replied, returning the salute. "It is an honor to finally meet you, Admiral Janeway. Your husband, Captain Chakotay, speaks very highly of you. Your accomplishments do you great credit."

"The honor is mine, Admiral," Kathryn told him honestly. "I have always wanted one day to meet you. I read all I could find of your work in the sciences when I was in the Science track."

"Thank you," Spock said simply. While he would never be so vain as to speak it aloud, he had great pride in the fact that most science labs, protocols, and the functions of a science officer were now based upon his recommendations and examples from a century before. He did not, however, want this meeting to become focused upon mutual admiration of one anothers work and accomplishments.

"I must confess, Admiral, that I was somewhat surprised to receive your message requesting a meeting," Kathryn informed her host, who had bade her sit down.

"I was discussing some routine matters with Captain Chakotay, and he mentioned that you were unsatisfied with the work and environment of the Admiralty," Spock proceeded to his main objective.

"He what?" Kathryn asked, somewhat surprised that Chakotay would volunteer such private, and in her view, personal information.

"He was not gossiping out of turn, I assure you, Admiral Janeway," Spock interjected. "When he arrived at the reception held at the Vulcan Embassy two weeks ago, and you were not with him, I inquired as to how you were. Captain Chakotay knows that I treat personal conversations with complete confidence, so he chose to speak with me. Indeed, I was not surprised to hear what he revealed."

"Just what did he reveal?" Kathryn asked. She was upset, but hardly surprised that Chakotay would express concern. She was extremely unhappy as an Admiral, and the office job she now had was exceedingly boring. She felt as though she was slowly falling into an abyss.

"That by becoming a member of the Admiralty, you had given up the one thing you felt comfortable with, and that you were depressed," Spock told her. Captain Chakotay had been much more detailed, but he had no doubt that she had heard it all before from the good Captain.

"That about sums it up," she sighed. "The question is, what do I do about it? I was practically forced into taking this promotion and assignment."

"I have a solution that may be available to you, but first I would like you to listen to me about my own experience with this situation at one time," he ordered. He was not the type to be stern, or rude, so his orders usually were phrased to be received with calm acceptance. When he saw that she had relaxed, he began.

"When the original Enterprise returned from the first five year mission, Fleet Admiral Nogura forced a promotion to Rear Admiral on then-Captain Kirk," Spock said with a hint of emotion in his eyes as he remembered the incident. "Captain Kirk was not interested in a promotion, and had hoped to have another command while the Enterprise was being refitted. Instead he was promoted and made Chief of Operations. Of course, he excelled in the position, as his talents were extensive, yet he was not comfortable, nor interested in the work.

"When the V'Ger incident occurred, he insisted on being placed in command of the newly refitted Enterprise. After we had resolved that crisis, Kirk demanded that he be allowed to retain command. Five years later, after another successful five year mission, he reluctantly gave up command and resumed his post as Chief of Operations. From then on until the events surrounding Genesis, Kirk was increasingly depressed and unhappy. It was not until the events that led to his demotion and return to starship command that he was truly comfortable."

Kathryn wasn't normally at ease discussing herself with anyone, but Spock had a definite understanding of how she felt. Nechayev, Hayes, and Paris had insisted that she accept promotion and take over the Romulan desk. The only bit of good that had come of their return from the Delta Quadrant had been her marriage to Chakotay.

"I feel the same way Kirk must have felt," she admitted. "I've considered retiring a number of times."

"As did Captain Kirk," Spock revealed. He knew full well that probably only he and Dr. McCoy knew that small bit of information about Kirk, but he felt that Jim would have approved of this one intrusion on his confidence. "That leads me to the proposal I have for you."

Kathryn was intrigued. "What did you have in mind?" she asked.

"I have been desirous of dispatching a long term, five to six years, mission of exploration to the Gamma Quadrant in order to increase the knowledge of the numerous star systems and phenomena that the Dominion databases we have been given access to have provided," he explained. He handed over a PADD with the rudiments of the proposal he had submitted to Starfleet Command and the Federation Council. "The initial approval has been granted for one modified Sovereign Class starship to make the journey."

"Modified how?" Kathryn asked as she scanned the proposal.

"The defensive armor and transphasic torpedoes that you brought back with Voyager, as well as the stealth field will be incorporated into the ships specifications," Spock explained. "In addition to that, there will be a tripling of the scientific laboratories and a corresponding increase in computer sciences. An astrometrics lab will be included, as well as the new design for Stellar Cartography. Families will be authorized on this mission, so the standard facilities for that have been included, as well as enhanced recreational facilities. While standard compliment on a Sovereign class starship is 745, we expect approximately 1,000 on the ship to take into account families. This ship will be two decks larger than standard to allow such an increase."

Kathryn scrolled to the ships specifications. She was impressed. The ship had already been built and all that was left was to add the ablative armor technology. The torpedoes and stealth fields were already in place and had been tested successfully. This was a ship that not only would be ideal for exploration and the sciences, but also a battle ready ship in case the need arose.

"Impressive," she remarked as she finished her perusal and handed back the PADD.

"I will pass along your compliments to Admiral Scott," Spock told her, revealing the designer of the modified Sovereign class ship.

Kathryn was not surprised at that. Admiral Montgomery Scott had, after his rescue from the Dyson Sphere, been reinstated in Starfleet and for a time had been in command of the Starfleet Corps of Engineers. When the Dominion War had begun, he had been promoted to Admiral and placed in charge of ship design and construction, as well as R&D. He maintained those portfolios to this day.

"Why are you telling me all this?" she asked. She had an idea why, but wanted to hear it from him.

"I was considering asking you if you wished to command the expedition and the ship," Spock replied. "Your command of Voyager in the Delta Quadrant would make you the ideal candidate for this posting."

Kathryn sighed. "I would prefer not to have command," she told him.

"May I ask why?"

Kathryn nodded. "I am not proud of the command I held for those seven years," she explained. "I made a number of mistakes, and have some very painful regrets, Admiral. To be honest, I have only one significant regret, but it also goes to the heart of how I commanded Voyager."

"Error and regret are all a part of having command," Spock pointed out.

"I'm aware of that," she agreed. "And I love my crew and am proud of what we accomplished in those seven years. But the regret and errors I am speaking of are more than I am ready to let go of at present. I lost myself for a long time and I don't know if I can command again and not make the same kind of mistakes."

"You are referring to your refusal of pursuing an intimate relationship with Captain Chakotay," Spock surmised. He had discussed this with Chakotay and knew from him that Kathryn was intensely loathing of herself for having adhered to such a strict view of protocol and the philosophy of command distance. Both ideals Spock considered to be more harmful than helpful in any way to a commanding officer. He had, after all, learned command from James Kirk, who had had no patience for such ideals.

"Yes," Kathryn admitted. "I know it would not happen now, since we are married, but the reasons for it and the errors I made in command judgment could easily occur again in other contexts."

"James Kirk was somewhat resentful when the protocols and philosophy you embraced were put into place," Spock informed her. "It was, besides the fact that the Enterprise-A was being decommissioned, one of the main factors in his decision to retire after the Khitomer Conference. His retirement led the Federation Council to make those changes non-binding and only suggestions as a matter of policy."

"I know that now," Kathryn revealed. "I got a real wake up call when I was questioned about why I would follow such a course when I was likely to be on Voyager for over seventy years. The subject, though, is very ingrained, Admiral. I learned command from people such as Owen Paris."

"Indeed," Spock said thoughtfully. He knew Owen Paris and respected the man, but disagreed with his strict views about regulations and 'protocol' in command. "Would you be interested in commanding the scientific side of the expedition, and letting another command the ship and overall mission?"

"I don't know," she answered honestly. "It's tempting, but I would outrank whatever commanding officer you put in place."

Spock almost smiled at that last, but his emotional control had long mastered that temptation. "I was thinking of placing you in command of the science department as a Captain. Your rank of Vice-Admiral could be put in abeyance until such time as you felt comfortable resuming your duties in the Admiralty. As for who would command the ship and mission, I was thinking of Captain Chakotay. He is a qualified officer for such a mission and his background in archaeology and anthropology would be ideal."

Kathryn chuckled. "Quite a role reversal," she said as she took in the irony.

"But one that may be mutually beneficial," Spock pointed out. "Both of you have some inner issues regarding your years in the Delta Quadrant. By reversing the positions, though you won't be his First Officer, you may come to appreciate the delicate balance that each maintained during that time, but without the personal dimension involved."

"Who would be the ships' First Officer?" she asked.

"Lieutenant Commander Paris has proven quite effective in the role on Voyager," Spock offered. "Do you feel he would be worthy of a promotion to full Commander and the position of First Officer on a ship of the line?"

"I believe so, as long as B'Elanna Torres-Paris was Chief Engineer," Kathryn countered.

"Then do I have your approval to approach Captain Chakotay with this assignment offer?" Spock asked, though he didn't mention that he had already discussed it with the man. Chakotay had been enthusiastic, but only so long as he could reunite Voyager's crew as much as possible and that Kathryn was agreeable.

"Yes," Kathryn decided.

"Then I will inform Command of the change in plans," Spock told her, standing. "Unfortunately I have another meeting scheduled, or I would discuss this further. I will be sending the mission profile and a list of potential officers for your science departments. Please make the appropriate selection in the next 30 days as I would like to have this mission manned and ready in 3 months time."

"Yes, Sir," Kathryn nodded as she also stood.

"When you have made your selections inform my aide and we will make an appointment for a meeting to go over them," Spock suggested. He was taking more care with this mission than would ordinarily be the case. If truth be told, he would prefer to command the mission himself as it would be a perfect opportunity for him to get back to the sciences somewhat. Of all his work in Starfleet, the most personal satisfaction had been derived from his time as First Officer and Science Officer on the Enterprise. He escorted her to the door and saw her out. Going back to his desk he allowed himself a small smile of satisfaction before preparing for his next meeting. It wouldn't do, though, to have his old friend and verbal sparring partner, Admiral Leonard McCoy (retired), see him smiling, so he quickly schooled his features just as the door slid open.

"How the hell are you, Spock?" came the familiar voice from the aged man who slowly made his way into the office.

_**Home of Admiral Janeway and Captain Chakotay, San Francisco, Earth**_

__Kathryn had decided to have her aide clear her schedule for the rest of the day. She had a lot to think about and wanted to spend some time alone away from the work she had come to loathe. The first order of business had been an hour long bath in refreshingly hot water with her favorite scented bubble bath. After that she had dressed in a pair of loose slacks and a silk button down shirt that hung loosely on her. Going outside with some iced coffee, she sat on the back veranda and looked out over the Bay. They had chosen a large, single story home in the hills overlooking the Bay and the famous Golden Gate Bridge. She and Chakotay loved it and would spend hours in this spot enjoying the view and each others company.

The last three years since Voyager returned had not been what she had expected, or desired, from a professional standpoint. For most of her career she had striven for that one goal of almost every officer: becoming an Admiral. The seven years in command of Voyager had clouded that goal significantly. She had wanted to take a year off, but that was quashed by Command who wanted her back on duty within three months of the end of the debriefings. She had wanted another ship to command, but they had demanded she take a promotion to Vice-Admiral and placed her in charge of the Romulan Desk in the Operations department. She had even admitted to herself that she was in need of serious counseling, but her new duties did not afford her the luxury of time for that sort of thing. Her jaded, sharp edge was still with her, as well as the demons she had never exorcised. Now she stopped to think of what those demons were.

Of course she had demons from her command decisions. That was a fact of life for all command officers who were lucky enough to have a ship and crew to command. There were times, though, that she had made some dreadful mistakes. Voyager had been her first command and she had been understandably unsure of herself, especially in light of the bizarre set of circumstances Voyager found herself in. The first couple of years she had been as open and approachable as possible when it came to decision making, utilizing her staff meetings to collegially go over options before making the final determinations. Her one serious error during that time had been in not including Chakotay in the planning and knowledge of the covert mission she and Tuvok had detailed Tom Paris on. Chakotay had not called her on it, and hadn't since, but the raging fury in his eyes when the subterfuge had been revealed, along with the completely pathetic and insulting excuse she had given him, had shown her how close she had come to losing an incredibly fine First Officer and the best friend she had ever had.

One would think an event like that would have taught her a thing or two, but it hadn't. Her mistakes multiplied, and they included her arrogant, and unilateral, decision to attempt an alliance with the Borg, her ruthless vendetta she pursued against the Equinox and Captain Ransom, her brig time and demotion of Tom Paris which set a bad double standard, her hiding in her quarters while they were in the Void, and a host of other mistakes that had damaged her more than she had ever really noticed until Voyager reached Earth and she had to endure the debriefings. Each one, as they were revealed for the errors in judgment that they were, had shaken her personal confidence in her ability to command, though at the time she had still been desirous of another ship.

Then there were the personal mistakes. Again, the first couple of years she didn't have much of a problem with, though her personal behavior was a bit out of the norm for her. She had considered her engagement to Mark over almost instantly when they discovered where in the galaxy they were. As a result of that, and due to her narrow views on protocol, she had spent a few leaves in the first couple of years finding some male companionship on the planets they traded with for supplies. That had been unlike her, but she was a passionate woman who enjoyed sex. The idea of living like a nun for over seventy years had not been something she would consider.

After New Earth she made the unilateral decision that even though she was in love with Chakotay, a relationship with him on Voyager was not possible because of protocol. Once again he had not challenged her over a decision, and she had assumed he had agreed with her on it. She continued her infrequent, but physically satisfying, shore leave romps, but out of consideration of Chakotay's feelings she had been more circumspect. It was always hard to look at him after those leaves, and she knew that he was well aware she had taken a man to her bed on those planets when she avoided him afterwards. She never took a man to her bed on the ship, though she had almost used sex to convince Kashyk in the deadly game of subterfuge that played out during that time in Devore Space. Outside of her own personal sessions with her toys and fingers, she only had sex on Voyager with Michael the hologram in the Fair Haven program. It had only been a couple of times, but she was now horrified at her actions.

In hindsight it was so easy to see that a relationship with Chakotay would have been a way to meet her physical needs, as well as avoiding the many professional disputes that threatened to tear apart the command structure. It was definitely ironic that the method chosen by Starfleet to avoid the very disputes that happened between them, was actually the cause of them on Voyager. It wasn't Chakotay's fault, however. She was the one who had made things personal, and she was the one who consistently reminded him of 'protocol'.

"Are you okay?" the most wonderful voice in her universe came from her side.

Kathryn smiled and turned to look up at him. "Just doing some thinking," she said as she patted the spot next to her, wanting to lean into him and soak up his presence. When he sat next to her, she leaned over and hooked her arm in his and leaned her head on his shoulder.

"I was worried when I stopped by your office after the meeting I had with Admiral Hayes and found you had cleared your schedule for the day to go home," he chided lightly. He wasn't upset with her, and he was well aware that she knew he wasn't, but it didn't mean he hadn't been concerned.

"I had a meeting with Admiral Spock this morning, and I had some things to think about," she explained.

"Anything in particular?" Chakotay asked.

"The Delta Quadrant," she replied.

Chakotay understood in an instant. That simple phrase would always hold a great deal of depth for her, both positive and negative. He was certain that she had been dwelling on the negative.

"You turned down the mission?" he asked.

"I should be angry with you for telling him all those things about me," she playfully slapped his chest. "I'm not, though."

"Good," Chakotay let out a breath. "I listen to you and help you as much as I can, but I need someone to talk to as well. Spock is a good listener, as well as someone who understands us better than most."

"He is," she acknowledged. "I turned down his idea of commanding the mission, but he offered a different option once I said no."

"And what was that?" he asked. He hadn't spoken to Spock that day, and had no idea of what changes she was talking about.

"You command the ship and mission, while I have charge of the science teams and profile for the mission," she replied. "Spock and I agreed that Tom Paris would be a great First Officer for you with a promotion to full Commander."

"It's going to be a pretty big jump with the ship that Spock told me about," Chakotay mused. He had been expecting to be the First Officer himself, and he knew that he would have had a great deal of adjustments to make on such a different kind of ship and the size of the crew. Tom had learned a great deal, though, in the last two and an half years and was ready in his opinion. "Are you sure about not wanting command yourself?"

Kathryn took his hand and lightly stroked his knuckles with her thumb. "I'm sure," she admitted. "I haven't processed all the issues I have over our time in the Delta Quadrant. I've never had the counseling that I need, and we both know that. It's not about making decisions anymore, but how those decisions are made, and the consequences of that."

He was pretty sure he understood what she was getting at. She had made unilateral decisions for a number of years out there, especially after their initial forays with the Borg and Species 8472. She had not followed the appropriate course of decision making, when collective discussion and consideration were possible, and it had led to serious problems, in particular the events surrounding the Equinox. He also knew that she felt horribly guilty about the personal side of things and their lack of an intimate relationship out there. She'd come a long way since then, but her time in the Admiralty had brought on more problems and had not allowed her to process the demons she held and in fact had added to them. Spock had certainly pegged it, and his alternate solution when she turned down the command was a good one.

"Do you think we can pull it off with me in command?" he asked. "And what about your rank?" he asked almost nervously. She was very rank conscious, and in his opinion that was one of her primary problems. She looked to rank to resolve issues in many cases, and that was not the way the world worked in non-emergency situations.

"I'll be taking a mission demotion to Captain, and if I ever decide to resume my current job, I can have my rank back," she revealed. "I don't think I'll ever be going back to that office once we leave on the mission, though. I've had more than enough of being an Admiral."

"Then I guess we have some work to do in the next month or so," he smiled. Truth be told, he was getting tired of the mundane work on Voyager, though the time he was able to spend on Earth between the short missions that Voyager was used for now was wonderful. He also had to admit that the opportunity to command a ship of the line was very tempting.

_**Office of Admiral Scott, Director of Ship Construction and Design, Utopia Planetia**_

Admiral Montgomery Scott, "Scotty" to his friends, was in his element. Here he was in his conference room discussing the new ship that was going to be used in the five year mission to the Gamma Quadrant. He had put a lot of time and energy into this new, modified, Sovereign Class ship and was finally satisfied. This meeting was to discuss the engineering needs of the mission, both technological and personnel. He was discussing all that with his right hand, Master Chief Petty Officer Miles O'Brien, and the incoming Chief Engineer of the new ship, and newly promoted for the position, Commander B'Elanna Torres-Paris. Both were brilliant engineers in his opinion, and with the exception of himself and his friend Geordi La Forge of the Enterprise-E, were the best in Starfleet. It had been one week since Spock had offered the mission to Captain Chakotay, and in that week a lot had been accomplished.

After Voyager had returned Scotty had offered Torres-Paris a position as his primary supervisor to the construction and refit projects that were being carried out at Utopia Planetia, but she had declined in favor of remaining on Voyager. He had taken an interest in the incredible changes that had been made on Voyager and now incorporated many of them on all ships being refitted, and was about to begin making them standard on construction as well. This new ship had been already begun when Voyager returned, but he had ordered the changes anyway for it. He had also been favorably impressed with the Delta Flyer and had ordered construction on them. Six would be on the new ship in addition to a full compliment of runabouts and small shuttlecraft.

"Now we need to hammer out the staffing," Scotty said when they had finished discussing the bypass systems that had been newly developed for the ship that had the ablative armor.

"I'm planning on taking most of my current people from Voyager," B'Elanna started.

"I figured you would," Scotty said with a smile. His eyes twinkled in good humor. Her response to his change in topic only showed the kind of engineer she was. She trusted her people and was more than willing to reward that trust. "But a ship of the line is a different beastie than that wee ship o' yours. You need more staff and supervisors."

"You'll need a deputy Chief Engineer as well as a Chief of Impulse Engineering and a Chief of Warp Engineering," Miles nodded in agreement. He'd been the Chief Engineer of DS9 for seven years and knew all too well the needs of an engineering chief on a large structure.

"And a solid Maintenance Chief and Shuttle Chief," Scotty added. Gone were the days when a Chief and a crew of loyal braves could handle the job on a large ship. A really good Chief Engineer was as much an administrator as an engineer nowadays. He felt that B'Elanna had those qualities, as well as the ability to knock heads when needed. But he was going to give her one really good person to help her out. "I've got just the person to be your deputy," he told her.

B'Elanna cocked her head. "Who," she asked carefully. She hadn't really had a deputy since Joe Carey had died a few weeks before they had used the Transwarp Hub to get home.

"O'Brien here," he nodded to the man sitting next to him.

"Me?" Miles asked in surprise. He'd been considering asking for a space assignment on a ship, preferably the Enterprise, but this was a shock.

Scotty chuckled. He slid a small box to his friend. "Call it an early Christmas gift," he said as the younger man opened the box to find the rank pips of a Lieutenant Commander. "Y've earned it Lad," he said with a nod. "Plus you've more experience on a larger ship and will be able to save the Lass here some adjustment headaches."

B'Elanna laughed at the shocked expression on O'Brien's face. "You look like I must have when Chakotay told me he was pressing to have Janeway make me Voyager's Chief Engineer when we were first in the Delta Quadrant," she told him. She respected O'Brien and had enjoyed working with him on Voyager's initial refit three years before, so she knew the kind of Engineer he was. She imagined Tom had looked the same way when Chak had handed him full commander's pips earlier in the week and told him he was to be the First Officer on a Sovereign Class ship.

"Keiko has said she would like being on a starship again," Miles mused. That had been one of the factors in his decision to see about space duty again. Keiko had enjoyed teaching at the Academy, as had he for as long as it had lasted until Admiral Scott had approached him about his current assignment.

"Then it's settled," Scotty rubbed his hand together in satisfaction. "Why don't the two of you get together and decide who will get the other top slots? We can go over it again in a week and then make the proper notifications."

"My office tomorrow?" B'Elanna asked. She had already transferred to the new ship the day before, so they all knew she was talking of the Chief Engineer's office on that ship.

"0800," Miles confirmed. He stood up and left after telling them he needed to check in with Keiko and let her know what was going on. Scotty held him up a minute and pinned the new rank pips on personally, then sent him on his way.

"A moment, Lass," Scotty held her back when she gathered her PADDs together. He continued when she sat down. "I don't mind tellin' ye that I'm mighty envious of ye and this mission," he told her.

"I remember when I made Chief Engineer for the first time. Full o' meself, I was. Had a captain who made sure he ran the show, but then I got another who let me do my thing and I can tell ye, I worked harder for him than anyone I've ever known. You're at a time o' your life that will never come again, so hold on and enjoy it. Y've proven yourself many times over on Voyager, and now is the time to become something more than just the Chief Engineer." He opened a flat box that he'd had in front of him the entire meeting. He pulled out what looked like a name plate with a small base. He handed it to her. "Put that on your desk."

B'Elanna took it and read the words. She laughed a deep belly laugh.

**Commander B'Elanna Torres-Paris**

**Miracle Worker Extraordinaire**

"Don't let anyone tell ye different, Lass" Scotty ordered. "Now get over to that bonnie fine ship o' yers and get back to work. There's no place for slackers among us Miracle Workers, is there nae?"

_**Sickbay, USS Explorer, Utopia Planetia**_

Three long time friends were sitting down in the Chief Medical Officer's office on the new ship that was going to be taking off on the five year mission to the Gamma Quadrant in a week. Spock, Scott, and McCoy were sitting there talking of all the things they'd seen that day. All of them, including McCoy, were in uniform. Scotty had taken his friends on a tour of the ship and they had ended up at Sickbay at the end of it.

"So what do you think?" Scotty asked with no small amount of pride.

"Why do they have to make ships so damn big these days?" McCoy groused. "And here I thought Sulu's Excelsior was a big ship way back when!"

"Progress generally means more largess, Dr. McCoy," Spock patiently pointed out. "Logically if we are to continue to be involved with Starfleet, we must expect change as a necessary element of our service."

"Still sounds like we're playing the old 'mine's bigger than yours' game," McCoy continued grumbling.

"You're just upset that you're taking more time than you thought to work out the kinks in the new muscle implants," Scotty pointed out with a grin.

"Just wait till you get to be my age physically," McCoy shot back. He sat back and took a sip of the Saurian Brandy that he'd brought aboard with him. He always had a drink of the stuff with his friends since it had been Jim's favorite. It was the real stuff, not that synthehol bilge they served in most service bars nowadays. Even Spock would have a snifter with them when they got together.

"The science labs are most impressive, Mr. Scott," Spock acknowledged. He knew that if allowed to, McCoy would go on in his attempt to complain about anything and everything. "As are the computer labs and quadruple redundant cores."

"Aye," Scotty said as he also took another sip of the brandy. Not like an aged Scotch, but the brandy was over 100 years old and exceptional. "I spent a lot of time looking over the recommendations of the Voyager crew in the various departments and where possible incorporated their ideas. That ship had a damn fine crew, if you ask me."

"Indeed," Spock agreed. "All but five have requested to join in this expedition, and the five who did not are already on deep space postings and unavailable. It speaks well of both Captain Janeway and Captain Chakotay." Janeway had reverted to Captain one week before, so Spock used her current rank in mentioning her.

"Do you ever miss being out there?" Bones asked curiously. In all the conversations he could recall with these two in the last few years, he didn't think they'd ever talked about that.

"Aye, all the time," Scotty admitted directly. There was nothing to be ashamed about in that. "But I only miss being on our Enterprise," he added. "There was something about the Old Girl that was special. When I was on Picard's Enterprise, the D, it never felt right. The E is the same way to me. Good ships, and excellent crews, but just not right, somehow."

"I, too, have been thinking of the past recently," Spock answered the question. "I believe, though, that it is the people I reminisce more about, than the ship necessarily."

"It's hard to believe that out of the seven of us, we're all that's left," McCoy observed. "Sulu died last year, and Uhura five years before that."

"And Chekov the year before Uhura," Scotty added sadly. He'd been glad to find all his friends still alive when he was rescued from the Jenolin, and had made a point of visiting all of them.

"As Jim said once, though, gallivanting around the cosmos is a game for the young," McCoy smiled at the memory. "And we're certainly not spring chickens anymore."

"Indeed," Spock said with a faint smile. "It would be a fascinating opportunity to join this crew, though, and explore the Gamma Quadrant."

"You did a good thing, Spock, helping Janeway out like this," McCoy complimented his friend.

"Aye," Scotty agreed. "She deserved better than what those bastards at Command did for her when Voyager returned. She no more should have been an Admiral than Jim should have been."

"And with the personal issues involved, she was on an emotionally self-destructive course," McCoy pointed out.

"Fortunately she married, and has at her side, Captain Chakotay," Spock added. Spock drained his snifter and stood, straightening his uniform tunic. "Shall we depart, gentlemen? I believe it is my turn to furnish dinner this evening."

"Italian?" McCoy asked. He loved the Italian restaurant they went to sometimes, and it had been a while.

"As you wish," Spock told his friends.

"And we're taking a shuttle, damn it," McCoy began grousing again. "I don't want anything to do with that damn transporter. These damn Admiral's pips ought to be good for something."

"Don't you be going on bad mouthing m' transporters, Doctor," Scotty could be heard retorting as they rounded the door and strode out into the corridor.

_**Main Bridge, USS Explorer, Utopia Planetia Spacedock**_

The day had finally arrived. Today the new ship and the large crew were leaving for the long term mission to the Gamma Quadrant. It had been a busy three months since the conversation between Admiral Spock and Kathryn Janeway, but all was made ready in the requisite time.

Kathryn had been very pleased with the response from their former crew and a large part of her former nervousness faded. She had always felt guilty, justified or not, about the decisions she had made on Voyager that directly affected the lives of her crew in a negative fashion. The decision to destroy the Caretaker array had always been high on that list. The fact that all but five were now on the new ship was heartening, and the other five had responded with regretful declines since they were too far away on assignment to be able to join them. She was especially pleased to see her former Senior Staff.

Tom of course was the First Officer for Chakotay and he seemed to be adjusting very well to the different size ship and the complexity of it all. B'Elanna was in her element as Chief Engineer and her deputy, Lieutenant Commander Miles O'Brien seemed to be a perfect fit for B'Elanna's department and style. Harry was now a Lieutenant Commander and the head of the Ops department, with his primary duty station back on the Bridge next to the helmsman. The two station front setting was different, but she could see the value of it. But that was Chakotay's worry, not hers, since most of her time would be spent on the science decks in the labs and her office. Seven had agreed to join the expedition and was placed in charge of the Astrometrics labs and Stellar Cartography, both of which were under Kathryn's direct supervision. Tuvok had seriously considered retiring from Starfleet, but had spent the last three years teaching at the Academy. Regardless of his intent on returning to Vulcan, he agreed to be Chakotay's Security Chief and Tactical Officer, while bringing T'Pel with him. Last, but certainly not least, was the Doctor. His sentience had been recognized and he had been given a commission of full Commander in the Starfleet Medical Corps. For the last three years he had been in charge of the Xeno-Medicine department at the SMC. He had been made the Chief Medical Officer of Explorer and had ten doctors and thirty nurses under his charge in the Medical Department. That didn't include the numerous medics and the Counseling Department that he also oversaw. Chakotay had been very careful in choosing all those posted to the Medical and Counseling departments as they would be working for a hologram, and there were some out there who just were not ready to accept that. It had been made clear that if trouble ensued, then they could pretty much kiss their careers goodbye.

What had really surprised Kathryn was that her Mother, Gretchen, and her sister, along with Phoebe's husband and children, were also coming along. Gretchen had wanted to be considered family for the mission since she was not ready to let Kathryn out of her sight just yet. Phoebe was interested in the various cultures that would be met so she could study the artistic side of things as her specialty was in art. Since her husband was a Lieutenant who was in security, his transfer was easily accomplished. Starfleet Command had been very accommodating. Kathryn had a sneaking suspicion that Admiral Spock must have called in a few long overdue favors and issued a few 'hints' that this was going to happen or else.

Kathryn had began her counseling three weeks before. Her counselor, who was also going to be heading the Counseling Department on Explorer, was Lieutenant Commander Ezri Dax. She was a wonderful woman who had the life experiences of a number of hosts to the Dax symbiote to draw from. Her prior posting on DS9 was an added bonus because of her familiarity with a number of Gamma Quadrant species. Kathryn had begun opening up about her personal issues surrounding Voyager and was starting to gain some further perspective on them. Only the other day she had opened up about her 'recreational' shore leaves while in the Delta Quadrant, and her couple of times being with the hologram Michael Sullivan. It was tough, though, and she knew that she would probably be seeking counseling for a long time to come. It wasn't just her inner demons that needed work, but her confidence as well. She knew how to make decisions and also how to assess situations. Mistakes could happen, and alternatives can be ignored at times, but her confidence was shaken at a much more fundamental level, and that was as a person, not as a Commanding Officer. There were issues to deal with on the latter, but the former was where the real work was to be focused.

"_Captain Janeway to the Bridge_," she heard over the intercom as she finished gathering her PADDs and notes. She was in her and Chakotay's quarters and she'd been planning on going to her office to meet with her section heads.

"Damn," she muttered. She tapped the comm badge. "On my way. Janeway out."

She made her way to the Bridge, still shaking her head at the size of the ship. She had always served on smaller vessels in her career, and while she had been on vessels of this size, never had she spent any real time on them. It would definitely take some getting used to. And all the people! Voyager had been a small community of 150, but now there were 1,000 people on this ship. When the turbolift doors opened onto the Bridge she stepped out, calm as could be, though inside she felt a small thrill of sorts.

"Interrupting anything important?" Chakotay asked with a smile. He'd wanted her up here for when they left dock and the solar system.

"Just delaying the morning meeting with my staff," she replied as she enjoyed the small hug he gave her with his right arm. He was comfortable like that, where she would have been too conscious of the public display. That was another change that she was now beginning to realize that no one really gave a damn about from within the crew. She saw that the Bridge crew, both their old Senior Bridge staff, as well as the new ones at the various stations that Voyage had not had, were smiling warmly.

She watched as the Bridge crew went about their business, responding to the orders given out by both Chakotay and Tom. As she watched the screen, she enjoyed the view of the ship moving from its moorings and then out of the solar system. It was quick considering the speeds now employed with the new engines that had eliminated the troublesome subspace issues that the older warp engines had caused. Looking about, she realized that this felt right. She was able to relax on the Bridge of a starship, something she had not been able to do in years. She was also not stressed about any meetings or reports. She also had observed Chakotay the last few days as he assumed command of the ship and proceeded to go through the myriad items on his agenda, yet he had not worked himself into the ground like she had and always seemed to be as on top of things as she had been on Voyager. It definitely gave her some things to think about.

"We've left the solar system and are free to navigate," the helm officer said from her console.

"Set a course for DS9 and proceed at warp 9," Chakotay ordered.

"Warp 9, aye," the helm officer acknowledged.

Chakotay turned to Kathryn. "I've got something to give you," he told her as he ushered her to the Ready Room. "You have the Bridge for a few minutes, Tom."

"Yes, Sir," Tom said as he took the center chair.

When they entered the Ready Room, Kathryn noticed that he had not decorated and only had one image on his desk, a holo of her taken on their honeymoon. He had told her that he did not intend to use the Ready Room much at all unless it was absolutely necessary, so he had not planned on adding any personal items. That was another difference between their styles. She had taken to heart that phrase 'Your second home' that had been told to her when she had been shown her Ready Room on Voyager for the first time. Chakotay disliked the idea of commanding from afar for any reason. His way seemed much more positive and realistic now that she was seeing the tangible results on a first hand basis.

Chakotay grabbed a PADD from his desk and handed it to her. "These are your orders," he told her. He held up a hand before she could question his phrasing. "I made an arrangement of my own in agreeing to this mission," he told her. "Read that and then we'll talk."

Kathryn sat down on the small couch and thumbed the PADD on. She quickly read the orders issued from both Command and Admiral Spock. It stated that if at anytime she felt comfortable with the idea of commanding a ship again, then the Explorer was to be hers to command. Until that time Chakotay was the rightful commanding officer. She looked up at him in confusion. "Why?" she asked.

"Because while this ship is on a long term exploratory mission, you and I have a new mission of our own," he explained.

She cocked her head in a bit of confusion. She was beginning to have an inkling of what he was getting at, but she wasn't sure. "And just what is that?" she asked as she looked at him with a bit more serious of a look.

He led them to the small couch and sat her down next to him. "Remember when I told you a certain legend a long time ago?" he asked.

An almost dreamy smile lit her face. "Vividly," she whispered. It was probably her most cherished memory of all the years that they had known each other, and easily her happiest moment in the Delta Quadrant. How could she ever forget that?

"I told you I would always be there to lighten your burden and stand by your side," he reiterated. "Somewhere along the way, Starfleet Officer Janeway lost sight of Kathryn Janeway the woman. That's a significant part of why you're having so much trouble now. The command facade is still there and allows you to do your job, but inside your not doing so well. Out here we're going to find the real Kathryn again, and blend her in with the Starfleet Officer. I'd be willing to bet that the finished product will be a better officer for it, and will be able to move forward with her self-confidence intact."

"And if I decide I like being a secondary officer and not a command officer?" she asked. She had to admit she enjoyed command, but the price she paid as a result of her narrow conceptions of command were too much in her present frame of mind. Her misery at the Admiralty was proof of that, and almost losing Chakotay when they finally got Voyager home had been shattering. Having to endure the debriefings had shown her in vivid detail how much her approach had been the cause of many problems.

"Then that's what you do," he said simply. "There's more than one way to serve, Kathryn. Hopefully this little jaunt of ours will get you back to where you feel that you have any number of choices and can be comfortable wherever you are. If that means we get back and you go back to Operations, then that's what happens. If you decide to stay in the sciences and most likely teach at the Academy, then so be it. This way, though, the choices are yours and you get to make the right one for you for all the right reasons."

Kathryn sat down on the small couch and held the PADD thoughtfully. She knew that he was right. Three years before she had been made an Admiral against her wishes, and while she was perfectly capable of doing the job, she had not been happy about it. She had too much baggage following her and it had intruded on what should have been a very happy time. Her marriage had eased a lot of her inner turmoil, but each day she had put on her uniform and went to her office, she had been reminded of what she had allowed herself to become on Voyager and it had not made her feel worthy of the accolades. Ezri had been right when she said that it wasn't about being able to do her job. Rather it was now about having a life she could enjoy. She should have allowed herself that life on Voyager, but had refused to do so. Then she found herself in a job she did not enjoy and was only going through the motions. Decisions were easy when hiding behind the command facade, regardless of how the decisions were made, but being able to feel good about yourself and the work you do was entirely different.

"I doubt you'll be losing the center chair, Chakotay," she said finally. There was a certain finality in her voice that she was sure he picked up on as she saw him nod slowly.

"Don't make that too final," he said cautiously. He was worried that she would make a firm decision on something like this and regret it, causing herself much the same anguish she now was trying to purge herself of.

She smiled. It was so like him to allow her a lot of latitude. "Maybe a bit of finality will make me see more clearly," she suggested. "I've been thinking of my Father a lot lately. He never lost sight of what was really important in life, and those things never interfered with his work and duty. I never considered that when we were out there. He also tried to show me how to follow my dreams and interests. I love the sciences and I moved away from them. Command is a wonderful experience, and an incredible adrenaline rush, but it didn't serve me, Kathryn, very well."

"You got us home, Kathryn," Chakotay pointed out.

"But I was also damn reckless at times, and that is a danger to everyone," she responded. "I like command, but I have one big character flaw. I take the idea of sacrifice too much to heart. Five years of being in charge of the science sections on an exploratory mission may be just what I need to get rid of that flaw and make me ready to be an Admiral, or any other kind of officer I want to be." She smiled again and got an evil look in her eyes. She looked up at him. "This does allow us to do something that I always wanted to do on Voyager, though," she informed him.

He cocked his head to the side. "Oh? What's that?" he asked.

"I was thinking we could call up a recreation of Voyager's Ready Room on the holodeck and have a 'disciplinary' meeting," she said with a purr of excitement in her voice.

He gulped as he took in the tone of her voice. "And my punishment would be?" he inquired in a voice that was a short octave higher than normal.

Kathryn glided over to him and curled into his side. "Making me scream in pure ecstasy," she told him matter of factly.

"I'll reserve a holodeck for right after dinner," he stammered. "Any idea how long this 'meeting' will be for?"

Kathryn chuckled huskily. "I'd say it's going to take several hours to get it right, Mister," she told him. "You've been a very bad boy lately. You're really going to have to work to get back in my good graces."

Chakotay smiled down at her. "I can hardly wait," he told her.

_**Five Years Later, Office of Admiral Spock, Director of Deep Space Exploration, Starfleet Command**_

Admiral Spock and Admiral Scott were waiting for Janeway and Chakotay to arrive. The Explorer had arrived back from her mission to the Gamma Quadrant two weeks before, and the debriefings had concluded that morning. Spock had sent word that he wished to see the two of them.

Sadly, Admiral McCoy had passed away the year before. He had been keeping tabs on this mission from the start and would have enjoyed seeing the return of these two individuals. Spock regretted the loss of his friend and verbal sparring partner.

"They're here, Admiral," Spock's new aide said over the comm.

"Send them in please," he ordered. He and Scott stood to greet them.

Vice-Admiral Kathryn Janeway and Vice-Admiral Chakotay walked into the office. Janeway had opted to resume her flag rank with the return of Explorer, and Chakotay had been promoted to matching rank. Both were now to be the Commanding Officers of the fleet of starships that were going to be regularly in the Gamma Quadrant. Janeway had not assumed command of the ship while they were in the Gamma Quadrant, having enjoyed her five years as a science officer. She had learned a lot about herself, and was now comfortable with the idea of having a command position. The only proviso she had insisted on was that Chakotay be of equal rank as her, and that they share the command. The Admiralty had accepted that, though there were some raised brows.

"It is good to see you both," Spock said to them.

Scott nodded in agreement. "Aye," he said with a grin. "And you brought that ship back in fine fiddle, too."

"Would it be in any other shape with B'Elanna in charge of Engineering?" Kathryn asked. "You picked the perfect title for her with that name plate, Admiral Scott."

"Mr. Scott and I would like to take you to dinner this evening," Spock told his two friends. "We want to hear about your time in the Gamma Quadrant personally, as opposed to the reports you submitted. I would also be interested in hearing of how the other mission that you embarked upon turned out."

Kathryn smiled warmly. "It would be our pleasure," Kathryn answered for them. The she looked at Spock directly and said in a warm, but focused manner "If you ever have any other missions for us, we are always at your disposal. A new mission was just what I needed. Thank you."

Spock could see the changes in Janeway. Her stance and voice held a great deal more certainty and confidence than when he last saw her. "You are most welcome, Admiral Janeway," he told her politely.


	2. Chapter 2

Ezri Dax, Lieutenant Commander and Ship's Counselor on the USS Explorer, was in her office waiting for her next appointment. It was an interesting case. Her patient, Captain Kathryn Janeway, was a hero in Starfleet by most accounts. The problem was a case of deep seated regret and depression. The latter was over severe dissatisfaction with the role she was unceremoniously thrust into upon her return. Being a Flag Officer had not been a position that Janeway was suited for. Most who were command material, and survived emotionally, were able to proceed to higher rank and the more sedate duties, regardless of the increase in responsibilities. Janeway, however, had too much baggage, and a certain level of guilt tinging her regret, to make the adjustment. No one had been willing to listen when Janeway had asked for an extended leave and counseling. The emotionally battered woman who began seeing Ezri a few months before had been at the end of her rope. This mission proposed by Admiral Spock had been a lifeline to the struggling Janeway.

Today, Ezri wanted to ask about Janeway's command paradigms. In their twice weekly discussion thus far, they had only scratched the surface since Ezri had wanted to ease some of the more recent feelings of insecurity that Janeway harbored. Now that the Explorer had been in the Gamma Quadrant for a couple of months, she wanted to develop the sessions around certain themes and deal with specifics under those themes.

One thing that Ezri noticed was that Janeway tended to avoid going to the Bridge. Granted, Janeway had a great deal of work to do out of her own office and the various labs under her purview, but the avoidance seemed more rooted in her inner troubles regarding her time in the Delta Quadrant. She had admitted that Captain Chakotay seemed to have a much better way of doing the job of Captain of the ship than she had done. He would work mainly on the Bridge as opposed to the Ready Room, and made a real effort to be done by the end of his shift. He also had a very effective way of delegating much of the paperwork among the Senior Staff. As a result, he actually did have time for a satisfying personal life.

Ping. The specific chime that Ezri had chosen for her office sounded. Getting up, she bade the person on the other side to enter as she got some coffee for them both.

"Good morning, Ezri," Kathryn said with a smile as she came in and sat down on the easy chair that faced the chair that Ezri liked to sit in.

Ezri had to fight the urge to chuckle. It had taken awhile for Janeway to be comfortable with Ezri's rule of absolutely no ranks during counseling sessions and when off duty. If a crewman was in her care, that was ironclad.

"Good morning, Kathryn," Ezri replied as she set the coffee service down on the low coffee table. "Busy day?" she asked.

Kathryn shrugged. "No more so than usual," she said as she poured the sinful liquid. "I've been working mainly with the cosmology section this week going over the readings we took of the trinary cluster."

"Have they finished with the gravitational flux readings yet?" Ezri asked. She had the memories of the previous Dax hosts, and Jadzia's specialty was in the sciences. As a result, she herself enjoyed the sciences.

"Just about," Kathryn nodded. She took an initial sip of the coffee and sighed in relief. She'd only had three cups so far that morning, and Ezri was one of the few people she knew who was capable of making coffee strong enough for her taste.

"Let me know when they are," Ezri requested. "Jadzia always wanted to see a trinary cluster and take her own readings, but never got the chance. I'd like to do some of the study if possible."

"You're welcome in the labs anytime you like," Kathryn told her.

"I'll take you up on that," Ezri said as she leaned back in her chair.

"So what are we talking about today?" Kathryn asked.

"Well we've made some real headway about what has been troubling you since you became a Flag Officer," Ezri began. "I thought we could begin working on looking at the time on Voyager. I'm curious about your philosophies of command and how that negatively impacted your time out there. You've mentioned it a couple of times now, and I felt we could try and see if it carried over into your post Voyager time."

"All in one session?" Kathryn smiled.

Ezri blushed slightly. She did have a tendency to rattle off large amounts of issues in one explanation. "No," she replied. "Today, I want to understand what your views were."

From the moment Kathryn had agreed to the mission that Spock had proposed, and thereby having the time to receive the counseling that she had been wanting for a long time, she was sure she would eventually be speaking of what Ezri asked now. It was good in some ways that she had taken the time to consider this before hand to try and untangle the myriad of interwoven aspects.

"That's still pretty open ended," Kathryn pointed out. This wasn't avoidance, and she could tell that Ezri wasn't taking it as such.

"Nice parry," Ezri teased with a chuckle.

"I do like fencing," Kathryn teased back. She was glad that Ezri was so easy to get along with and had such a great sense of humor.

"Do you know how to use a Bat'leth?" Ezri asked curiously.

"Not well, but I know how," Kathryn replied.

"We can discuss fencing another time," Ezri smiled. "Now about those command views?"

"I'm not sure how to answer that question," Kathryn admitted honestly. "I guess it needs saying that I was always very rule oriented from the time I served under Owen Paris on the al-Batani. He felt that if there was a rule, then it had to be there for a damn good reason whether we liked it or not, or even if it made sense or not, so it was going to be followed."

"He was your first commanding officer?" Ezri asked.

"He was my thesis advisor at the Academy," Kathryn nodded. "I asked him personally to be my advisor, against the advice of a lot of people who knew what a task master he was. He worked me harder than I ever had before, but I passed with honors. He requested me on his ship when I graduated."

"What did you feel about his command style?" she was asked.

Kathryn chuckled. "I didn't like it, to put it mildly," she replied.

"Then why did you begin to emulate it?" was the next question.

Kathryn's expression hardened a bit. "He and I we're captured by the Cardassians when we were simply retrieving the science logs of an observatory," she said stonily.

Ezri tilted her head at the expression and tone. She knew all too well what the Cardassians were capable of, and could only imagine what Kathryn had endured. She made a mental note to look up Kathryn's records detailing the incident.

"Why would that cause you to emulate him?"

"When you listen to a man screaming for hours on end, for days on end, you begin to admire the hell out of the person who doesn't break and reveal anything," Kathryn replied woodenly. "Rightly or wrongly, I began to believe that it was his views of command and regulations that gave him that capacity."

"Is that when you moved to the Command Track?"

"No," Kathryn told her. "I spent almost six more years as a science officer before making that decision. Owen approached me one day after he had been assigned to Headquarters and told me he thought I would be perfect for the Command Track. It certainly couldn't hurt to have the training, so I applied for admittance to the Command School and was accepted. After that, I had the ordinary posts for the next nine years before being promoted to Captain and given command of Voyager."

"What was your opinion of Command School?" Ezri asked.

"It was tough and demanding," Kathryn acknowledged. "I struggled with Tactics since as a science officer I was used to drawing on a lot of evidence to make any conclusions. In command, you have to make decisions based on the little evidence available and make a staggering number of assumptions. I passed the course, but hardly with flying colors."

"What about the courses on command protocol and objectivity?"

Kathryn smirked. "I'm afraid I got high marks in those and was more than ready to accept anything said on the subject. Owen influenced me too much to not accept those views."

"What about your command track assignments once you left Command School?"

"I was assigned to the Nobel," Kathryn told Ezri. "At first I was the Third Officer with responsibility for the Helm. Then Second Officer with rotations at Ops and Tactical. After Wolf 359, I was transferred to the Stratos as First Officer with the rank of Lieutenant Commander."

"Lieutenant Commander?"

"The Stratos was a small ship. At the time, the standard rank for First Officer on that class of ship was Lieutenant Commander. They changed the ranking system on ships a year later and made the First Officer post on ships of that class and larger a full Commander. I got a promotion because of that change a few years sooner than I normally would have," she explained.

"Were you comfortable as a First Officer?"

"Not really," was the reply. "I had been used to Captains that were like Owen Paris. Captain Bashani was everything he wasn't in terms of how he commanded. He delegated a lot, and was not as 'distant' as I felt a captain should be. As a result, I was making a lot more of the decisions I felt the Captain should have been making."

"Were your other Captains micro-managers?"

"I guess that would be a good description," Kathryn conceded. "Bashani was more of a big picture person."

"Was he any less prepared?"

Kathryn cocked her head. "Now that I think of it, he was very prepared for anything," she admitted.

"So he had a good grasp of what was happening on his ship at any time?"

"Yes."

"But you fell back on your previous examples when you became a Captain," Ezri surmised.

"I did," Kathryn said thoughtfully. Something was beginning to dawn on her and she was not comfortable with it one bit. "Could it have been my stubbornness in how I viewed Bashani that caused me to be how I was on Voyager?"

"I don't know," Ezri told her. "It's possible. All I was trying to do was understand how your views originated and evolved. It's perfectly natural to admire and emulate those you respect. Owen Paris is a highly regarded officer. You have a history of being conservative in your approach to almost any situation, so it's understandable that you were a bit uncomfortable with Captain Bashani's command style. It doesn't make his way any less valid, though, and that is what I'm most concerned about."

Kathryn sighed. "I do have a tendency to decide that something is wrong if I don't agree," she reluctantly offered.

Ezri was thinking about all of this for a moment. She had not wanted this to be a long session, so she was pleased that so much had been covered in such a short period of time. Kathryn had given a lot to think about, and she knew that Kathryn would be thinking about it all as well. That was good, but Ezri wanted Kathryn to have some focus for her thoughts.

"I think that that is enough for this session," she told the older woman. "For next time, I want you to think about what we discussed to day, and how it impacted your command at the beginning of your time in the Delta Quadrant, with emphasis on what the presence of Chakotay had on your thinking in terms of the command dynamics."

Kathryn was a bit surprised at the quick end of the session. Ordinarily they would be speaking for an hour or more. "That's all for today?" she questioned.

Ezri nodded. "You provided a great deal of information, and little direction for it," she observed. "Granted that was by my questioning, but there's enough there to give both of us some useful starting points to discussing your time on Voyager. I don't want to start that discussion until you've had some time to think about what we discussed today. Outside of that, how is everything else? Any problems yet adjusting to not being in command?"

"Not as much as I thought," Kathryn mused. "I'm sure that part of it is that Chakotay discusses most everything with me. He makes me feel as if I'm part of it somehow. I'm enjoying that sciences, though. Admiral Spock was right. This assignment is giving me some real perspective."

"Excellent," Ezri smiled. She was watching the signs as much as possible to make sure that Kathryn's adjustment was smooth. With the older woman's history of depression, especially as a Flag Officer, it would not be too difficult to imagine her becoming depressed at being on a ship again, but not in command. She looked up at the chronometer. "I have about an hour until my next appointment. How about I walk with you down to the labs? That would give me a chance to see what's going on and maybe look at some of those scans."

Kathryn stood and smiled. "I think that's a wonderful idea," she told her young friend. They walked out the door together in a deep discussion of the trinary cluster and possible aspects of the gravitational fluxes being scanned. Once again Kathryn was very glad she had decided to go on this mission in this new capacity. She was feeling alive again. She only hoped that when they began discussing the time on Voyager in earnest that she would be as able to handle it as she handled today's session. Somehow she didn't think so, but time would tell.


	3. Chapter 3

This counseling session deals with Janeway having found herself in the Delta Quadrant and having to deal with a new First Officer, plus the challenge of appointing a new Chief Engineer.

Disclaimer: I don't own or profit from these characters or franchises in any way.

Ezri was ready for this session. A week before she and Kathryn had discussed the origin of Kathryn's views on command. Now they were hopefully ready to discuss the early time on Voyager, and how having Chakotay as her First Officer impacted her. This could be a very good starting point, or it could bring out a lot of emotions that Ezri was sure that Kathryn was not quite ready to deal with. Unfortunately that was part of the process that had to happen sooner or later.

"_Janeway to Dax_."

"Dax here. What's the matter Kathryn?"

"_I'm only running a few minutes behind. I should be there in about 15. That okay_?"

"No problem. See you then. Dax out."

Ordinarily Ezri was a stickler about punctuality as it showed, at least in her mind, how serious and committed the patient was to the counseling she offered. With Kathryn, however, she was more flexible. Kathryn was the head of several science divisions and with the constant influx of readings and the needed supervision for allocation of resources, her schedule was constantly changing. Ezri understood that and made adjustments in her thinking for Kathryn.

Ezri thought back on the previous session. Kathryn had realized, after some focused questioning, that her reversion to the more narrow command style after her time on the Stratos was more a result of her stubborn nature than a real acknowledgment of whether a particular way was right or not. The older woman's background made for some interesting reading, and Ezri had called in some favors and had been given access to the classified portions of her file. Her time with the Cardassian's when she had been captured along with Owen Paris had been the stuff of nightmares, but fortunately they had been rescued before she had been subjected to any torture. She had had to listen to Paris being tortured mercilessly, though. Ezri was certain that that had made a definite impact on a young Ensign Janeway.

_Ping_.

"Come in."

Kathryn breezed in and took a seat. "Sorry I was late today, Ezri," Kathryn said right off.

Ezri went to the replicator and ordered some strong coffee. She would like to have some Raktajino, but Kathryn did not like that particular coffee. It was odd considering her absolute love of coffee, but to each their own.

"No problem," Ezri replied as she handed Kathryn a cup full of black coffee.

"So what do you want to talk about today?" Kathryn asked.

"I wanted to start talking about your time on Voyager when you first arrived in the Delta Quadrant," Ezri told her. "How did you feel when you found out you were on the other side of the galaxy?"

Kathryn took a calming sip of her coffee as she remembered the moment in question. "Overwhelmed," she said after a few silent seconds.

"In what way?"

"It's hard to describe," Kathryn replied. "I had just found out that fully a third of my crew were dead, including my First Officer and Chief Engineer. I hadn't found out about the Chief Medical Officer yet. The ship was in a shambles, and here we were 75,000 light years from home. Add to that the fact that I'm a brand new Captain and I was, frankly, scared."

"Did it show?"

Kathryn cocked her head. "I can't be sure," she admitted. "I hope not. Regardless of the views I held, a leader should be someone who can put on a positive face and give some hope to their charges. I guess I did alright since we managed to get through the ordeal."

"Tell me about Commander Cavit," Ezri requested.

"He was a capable officer," Kathryn started. "He did have an annoying tendency to hold grudges to the point that he deliberately tried to make things difficult for Tom Paris when he first came aboard Voyager. I had to reprimand him over it. Frankly, he would not have been a very good First Officer in the Delta Quadrant. He would have resisted merging the crews at a minimum."

"What about as a person?"

"I never had a chance to know him very well," Kathryn responded. "That could be good or bad. From what I saw among the crew he was liked well enough."

"What about Chakotay? What was he like when you first met him?"

Kathryn smiled as she recalled. "Angry. Bitter. He had his pride, though. He was worried about his missing crewman."

"What did you know about him?"

"Mainly what was in his intelligence files and his service record."

"And what was that?"

"In terms of his service record he was an outstanding officer who reached Captain before he was 30. A natural leader who had a very easy manner. His record also made specific mention of his tactical and strategic prowess. The Intelligence file, we now know, was a fabrication. He was made out to be a dangerous criminal who had violated Federation law by firing on Starfleet and civilian targets without provocation."

"So you had a mixed view of him before meeting him?"

"Very. I took a chance, though, and asked if we could work together as I also had a missing crewman." Kathryn stopped for a moment and privately remembered that time. She had been struck by the image on the screen and found him very attractive. "He agreed and beamed over with Mike Ayala and Tuvok. All three had phasers at the ready. That was when he found out that Tuvok was a plant and that Tom Paris was on the ship."

"What was his reaction to that?"

Kathryn laughed. "He lunged for Tom wanting to kill him and I stopped him," she recalled. "As for Tuvok, I'm not sure what his real reaction was. Chakotay respects people who carry out their duties and follow orders. I think he was angry that he had been deceived, but he respected that Tuvok was doing his job. I do know that while there was animosity between them for some time, there was also a grudging respect between the two."

Ezri had another question on that. "How did you stop Chakotay from killing Tom Paris?" she asked.

"Call me foolhardy, but I stepped in front of Chakotay and placed my hand on his chest," Kathryn replied. "I told him that Tom Paris was a part of my crew and was not to be harmed by anyone."

"That probably had a calming effect on the crew," Ezri observed.

"I never really thought of it like that," came the admission. "At that point, I was only wanting to find Harry Kim and to honor the truce that Chakotay and I had agreed upon to accomplish that.

"Let's move forward a bit to when you made Chakotay your First Officer," Ezri nudged. "How did that come about?"

"From a purely logistical standpoint, I needed his help to adequately man Voyager," Kathryn began. "There was no way that the Maquis from his ship would willingly agree to become part of Voyager's crew unless Chakotay had a position of authority. Tuvok pointed out that we had little choice. In addition to that I would have been a fool not to take advantage of the much greater command experience that Chakotay had, especially as a Captain."

"But it wasn't easy to reach an agreement," Ezri surmised.

"No it wasn't," Kathryn nodded. "He was angry, and justifiably so, at the entire institution of Starfleet. He had never fired upon civilian or Federation targets unless in self defense, but that didn't mean he had any respect left for them."

"What made him finally agree to be your First Officer?"

"He argued long and hard about finding a place to colonize as it didn't make sense to spend the rest of our lives, in all likelihood, trying to get home," Kathryn revealed. She had never told anyone of that, and had not put it in her logs, personal or official. To her knowledge Chakotay had never discussed it or placed it in his logs, either.

"It was a reasonable position to take," Ezri pointed out.

"I know that now," Kathryn admitted. "At the time I was only interested in making it possible for the crew to get home to their families. I was the one who had made the decision to destroy the Caretaker in the first place."

"But didn't Chakotay support that decision?" Ezri asked.

"Only that I had the right to make that call," Kathryn pointed out. "When B'Elanna demanded to know what gave me the right to decide that, he told her 'Because she's the Captain'. Hardly a ringing endorsement of the decision, but at least it showed he respected the office of Captain." She paused for a moment as she, not for the first time, thanked whatever deities might exist for having given Chakotay such a level of integrity. "After we debated the issue for most of an hour, and it was not a harmonious discussion, I finally asked if he really felt that it was right to stake the fate of almost 100 innocent people all on the selfish whims of a little over 40."

Ezri raised a brow. "That was a low blow," she observed.

"I know," Kathryn agreed. "But I didn't have anything left to argue with. He was a skilled debater, and the more logical arguments were all on his side."

"So he finally agreed to be your First Officer," Ezri concluded for her. "How did you feel after the decision and he left your Ready Room?"

"I had won the battle, but I knew I had not played fair," Kathryn admitted. "I felt like I had traded my objectivity to get what I wanted. As a result, I think that was when I began to become a bit more insulated from the crew."

Ezri mentally made a note to bring that up again in a future session when she dealt with Kathryn's distance, and the depressions that occurred.

"What about the mutual attraction?" Ezri asked with a small smile. They were talking about command, and this issue was one of the major aspects of that command on Voyager.

"Oh God," Kathryn leaned back. "You would have to ask me about that."

"Sorry," Ezri chuckled. "All part of the job. Plus, I am pretty curious about it."

"You and just about everyone else in the Alpha Quadrant," Kathryn rejoined.

"Look at it from our perspective, Kathryn," Ezri pressed. "You've admitted all along that there was a mutual attraction. Can you blame anyone for being curious as to how you justified keeping him at arms length all that time out there?"

Kathryn sighed deeply. "No," she grudgingly admitted. "I guess my discomfort over the subject is why I've been needing counseling."

"Partly," Ezri confirmed. "But you also have begun to realize since you all returned home that what you thought of as iron clad rules for command, in actuality are nothing more than suggestions, and in the case of Voyager rather bad ones. That, added to conflicting notions of command, have made being an Admiral much more difficult to emotionally accept. I want to explore the years on Voyager from the perspective of the one who made the decisions that caused you the most regret."

"My perspective."

"That's right," Ezri confirmed. "So about the attraction? Did it affect your initial thinking at all?"

"Definitely," Kathryn nodded with a small smile of her own. "I considered my engagement over since there was little likelihood that we would be returning home anytime soon. And then I have this incredible male specimen as my right hand in running Voyager." Kathryn chuckled. "Did you know I fantasized about him the night after I made him my First Officer?"

"Really?" Ezri grinned.

"I pictured him in a loin cloth with a spear," Kathryn laughed. "God I hope he never finds out about that one. It's so stereotypical."

"You should hear about some of the fantasies that Jadzia had about Commander Worf before they were married," Ezri told her.

Kathryn held up her hand. "I think I'll pass," she told the younger woman. Kathryn could imagine what a woman drawn to Klingons would imagine. She didn't dislike Klingons, but their _extremely_ aggressive nature, and _brutal_ ways were a big turn off for her.

"So what was your reaction to having fantasized about him?"

"I was shocked, and I couldn't look at him the next day," Kathryn revealed. "I was not sure how to handle it. Of course it was purely lust at that point, but it was still powerful."

"You decided to hide behind the command mask," Ezri input.

"To a degree," Kathryn replied. "I had to balance being a commanding officer with becoming acquainted with a new crew and the complexities of that crew. He was compelling, though. I could talk to him, though I somehow didn't trust him yet, at least not fully. He was so damn confrontational."

"You should have expected that from a person with his experience as a Starfleet Captain and a Maquis Captain," Ezri put in.

"I should have, but I chalked it up to him challenging my authority," Kathryn said sheepishly.

"Did anything bring it to a head?" Ezri questioned.

"He recommended B'Elanna Torres for Chief Engineer right after she had punched Joe Carey in the nose instead of sending her to the brig," Kathryn recalled. "Right before he made the recommendation he had called down to Engineering and asked for her opinion instead of Carey's on something. I called him to my Ready Room and told him off about being presumptuous in asking her when no Chief Engineer had been decided upon yet. Carey was the senior officer."

"He didn't react well to what you said," Ezri surmised.

"No," Kathryn said bluntly. "He informed me in no uncertain terms that he would not allow me to make him the 'token' Maquis officer and that while he had been trying to make this as smooth as possible for me, I was not making it easy."

"What did you say?"

"I told him I couldn't make it easy. God I was so naive! I was so damn uptight about proper order and procedure! Here we were in an unknown region of space and in a crisis and I was more worried about propriety than getting the job done. Then he said he wanted me to consider Torres as the Chief Engineer. I said she should be in the Brig for what she had done that morning." Kathryn paused. "I didn't know until much later that I had really shown my insecurities and a lot of immaturity with that whole confrontation. He left the Ready Room and I spent a lot of time thinking. Not about the problem of Chief Engineer, but more about what I had gotten myself into with such a First Officer. I was, at the time, regretting the loss of Cavit."

"Why?"

Kathryn pulled up one leg and wrapped her arms around the knee while looking at Ezri, her chin resting on the knee.

"I was a new Captain facing something that no one had before," she confided. "I wanted things as smooth as possible so I could focus on what I felt were the most important things. Cavit would have followed my lead no matter what, but Chakotay was confrontational and it made me side track my thinking to a myriad of other concerns. It made me angry, and also made me feel horribly inadequate, especially when I saw him calm as could be handling any number of things at the same time."

"Have you ever seen his assessment of you from his official logs?" Ezri asked.

Kathryn looked startled. She had never seen his logs, official or otherwise. Even when she'd had the opportunity to do so, she had avoided it. His opinion of her meant a great deal in her mind, and seeing some of the things he no doubt put down at various times would probably be shattering to her already fragile emotions.

"No, I haven't," she admitted.

Ezri passed over a PADD. "I'd like you to read these entries from his First Officer's Log dealing with that first few weeks," she told Kathryn.

Kathryn took the PADD and turned it on. She knew better than to decline, as Ezri was extremely persistent.

"_First Officer's Log, Stardate 51239.7_

"_I had my first real confrontation with Captain Janeway this morning. I admit to having pressed several points during the confrontation, bordering on insubordination while debating the points, but she needed to be given a bit of a wake up regarding the situation that Voyager has found itself in. I need to know just how much she can actually handle since reality doesn't fit into neat little problem constructs. This entry will constitute my assessment of Captain Janeway as a commanding officer._

"_As a new Captain with her first command, I am inclined to view her positively. She has dealt with the admittedly overwhelming circumstances of our arrival in the Delta Quadrant with dispassion and an eagerness to succeed that I have found rare in most ships captain's during my career. In handling members of the crew she is firm, but eminently fair, expecting a high degree of excellence. The original Starfleet crew has responded well, and the crew from my ship have adjusted well, and some have even come to me and expressed admiration of her. There are some malcontents among my former crew, but they are the exception, not the rule._

"_As with almost any new Captain, she has a tendency to view regulations and formalism more rigidly than would be desired, especially considering that we will probably be trying to reach home for a number of years. I believe, though, that she has the ability to grow and adapt, which will make her a very good, if not superb, Captain._

"_My only concern at this point is that she displays an impulsive streak that could lead to trouble at some point. I hope that I won't have to use the authority inherent in the position of First Officer and step in to stop any action that will place the crew in danger beyond what can be considered acceptable, but I will do so if necessary._

"_One last observation. I don't know what thought process led to Janeway's __command of this mission to find and arrest me and my crew, but it was an excellent choice. I can't think of any other command officer that I know of who could have handled the extreme circumstances that we find ourselves confronted with as well as she has. I consider myself fortunate indeed to have her for a commanding officer. End log entry._"

Kathryn didn't respond, but instead went to the next entry that was apparently dated a few months later.

"_First Officer's Log, Stardate 51736.9,_

"_I am increasingly impressed with Janeway's performance as Captain of Voyager. She has not altered her almost slavish adherence to the formalism I mentioned early on, but it is early days yet. Her grasp of tactics and strategy is improving, and she knows her limitations. I have recommended some extra study to supplement her knowledge on __the subject, which she has accepted. I guess my background as Professor of Advanced Tactics affords me that latitude._

_"My only real criticism at this point is her almost zealous distance from the crew. I have never agreed with all of the talk about command distance and 'protocol' but it is her command. I only hope that she loosens up enough so that she does not become an automaton of sorts. It's early enough in this incredible journey that I am not overly concerned at this point, though._

_"Something is gnawing at me, however. For some time, I have had the impression that she is keeping pertinent information from me, and that is a dangerous precedent to set. In order for this command relationship to work, there can be no secrets. As a fellow Captain in Starfleet, despite my voluntary, and temporary, grade reduction to Commander, I know the classified regulations and issues that all Captains are let in on. I will have to address this soon if I am to be able to continue to function as her First Officer. I will not allow myself to be left in the dark. Too many peoples lives are at stake if something were to happen that I could have prevented if I had known what was going on. End log entry._"

Ezri could see that Kathryn was slightly agitated while reading the entries, particularly the second one. She was curious as to why, especially in light of the rather good assessment that Chakotay had given of Kathryn professionally. She had her suspicions, but wanted to see if Kathryn was seeing the same things she was.

"Something wrong?"

Kathryn shook her head. "Not really," she sighed. "I guess it's just a bit difficult to see reduced to writing ones primary faults."

"Was he accurate in your opinion?"

"Almost too accurate," Kathryn sighed. She noticed that Chakotay had done what had not been done yet in her time as Captain. It was standard practice to have a Captain's Review of new Captain's once they had a ship to command done by a fellow Captain. The review would become part of their permanent record and future discussions about promotions and assignments would be based on performance reviews that use that original review as a template to determine growth and adaptations. While Chakotay had reported that he held a high opinion of her, he had also laid out some serious concerns that would be a red flag to any higher ranking review authority.

"How so?" Ezri asked.

"He pointed out a series of faults that I carried with me the entire time I was in command of Voyager," Kathryn replied. She took another sip of coffee. "He was giving me a Captain's Review. He may not have been a Captain at the time, but he was making sure that it was there. I didn't really mature and adapt to circumstances as much as is generally expected of a new Captain."

Ezri noticed the vagueness of the answer, but decided to ignore it. At least Kathryn had recognized what Chakotay had done. That was a good thing. "What about the other parts of the entires? The elements he admired and praised you for?"

"It means a lot to me," Kathryn said with the same vagueness. She may be willing to reveal a lot to the young Trill, but the depth of what Chakotay's opinion of her meant to her was something that Kathryn felt was intensely personal.

Ezri frowned. It seemed that she had reached a point where Kathryn had her limits in these sessions. Ezri could live with that for now, but eventually that would have to change. A picture was beginning to develop. Kathryn had repressed so much, and hid behind serious misconceptions of regulations for so long that she was bound to have difficulties in acknowledging some of the things she had hidden. Hopefully the sessions dealing with various incidents would open up those hidden feelings.

"I think we've reached a good stopping point for now," she decided. "I want you to think about what we've talked about. You had a great deal thrust upon your shoulders in a very short time when Voyager became stranded. While you're thinking about it, I want you to start thinking about the personal issues that were definitely there and how the first few months impacted you on that level. That's what we'll be discussing next week. I also want you to consider what your original feelings were when you ordered the Caretaker Array destroyed."

Kathryn nodded a bit absently. She was still thrown a bit by Chakotay's logs. Looking at the wall chrono, she stood up. "If that's all for today, I need to get back to work. I have a meeting with my section heads in a bit and I need to finish going over their reports," she told Ezri.

Ezri stood and escorted her to the door. "No problem," she assured Kathryn. She went back to her desk and made out some lengthy notes for herself about this session. She was deliberately making Kathryn relive certain events to make the older woman see the dimensions involved in those times, and not simply have narrow memories of them. Hopefully a tapestry would be built that would allow Kathryn to see just how much she did succeed out there in the Delta Quadrant, despite the regrets she held. She also made a note to look at other logs from the senior officers from Voyager. There was a lot of work to do before the next session.


	4. Chapter 4

This is a chapter I had been thinking about for some time. In this one, Ezri has a short visit with Bones McCoy who is checking up on Janeway's counseling, and after that, she has a conversation with Tom Paris regarding his covert mission that he had been assigned early on in the Voyager journey. This is a set up for the chapter after this when I have Janeway talking about that covert mission from her perspective. Hope you enjoy this.

Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchises. No copyright infringement is intended.

"_Kim to Dax_," Ezri heard as she was having breakfast. Sighing, she tapped her comm badge.

"Dax here," she said. She didn't like having her breakfast interrupted, but she also knew that she wouldn't be called unless it was important.

"_You have an incoming transmission from Starfleet Medical_," Harry told her. "_Shall I send it down to your terminal_?"

"Yes, please. Dax out."

She moved over to the terminal at the desk in her quarters. Tapping in her private code, she opened the communication. She was shocked to see retired Admiral Leonard McCoy on the screen.

"Admiral?" she said in what she hoped was a reasonably normal tone.

"_Dax? Is that you_?" McCoy called out.

"It's me, Admiral," she assured him with a grin. She had only met him a few times, but she loved the curmudgeon he liked to portray himself as. It gave him real character in her opinion.

"_I've been meaning to get a hold of you, young lady_," McCoy said directly. "_I've been reading your status reports on Janeway that you've filed. Good work._"

Dax smiled at the praise. McCoy may be a legendary ships doctor, but he was also an expert on command psychological issues and had written several books on the subject over the years.

"Thank you, Admiral," Dax replied. "I think that some real progress has been made. I'm trying to get her to see that while she has some valid concerns about how she did things in the Delta Quadrant, the crew also held her in high regard and do not hold her faults against her."

"_Good approach_," McCoy nodded in agreement. "_Her talking about the time out there is also cathartic in itself. It forces her to look at things with a fresh insight. I want to let you know that I have gotten approval for you to use the personal logs of the senior staff from Voyager, as well as several junior staff she interacted with regularly. The approach with the official logs is good, but only goes so far. Make sure you talk to the staff members in question though, and get their personal approval_."

Ezri was surprised. Ordinarily personal logs were forbidden for any use unless it was a session dealing with the specific person in question. McCoy had a great deal of pull, though, and she had no doubt he had pretty much forced the issue until he wore the powers that be down.

"That will certainly help," Ezri acknowledged.

"_I need to get off of here_," McCoy said suddenly. "_Spock is waiting for me to get to his office for lunch. I swear that damn Vulcan lives to give me shit about my punctuality. If you need anything from this end, don't hesitate to ask. You hear_?"

"Yes, Sir," she said with a grin. "Thanks for everything, Admiral."

"_You just keep up the good work. McCoy out._"

Later that day, Ezri walked into the Delta Lounge. It had been named that by the former Voyager crew members. It was one of two main lounges on the ship, and the old Voyager hands were the most common patrons of this one. She had asked Tom Paris to meet her there so she could speak to him for a bit.

"Ezri!" Tom Paris said out loud from his seat. He was with his wife, B'Elanna.

Ezri made her way over and sat down, ordering a Raktajino from the waiter who showed up.

"I hope you don't mind me being here," B'Elanna said as she took a drink of her coffee. "Tom and I don't get much time together during the day."

Ezri smiled. "I don't mind," she told them. "Actually it makes this easier since I was going to have to talk to you sooner or later."

"What about?" Tom asked.

"I'm working with Captain Janeway, as you know, and I am using official logs from the Voyager crew to help in the discussions," she explained. It was a standard technique, so she was not surprised when the other two simply nodded. "I'd like to expand on that, and while I deal with specific incidents, I would like to use the personal logs of the pertinent people. Would you approve that limited usage of your personal logs, so long as I let you know ahead of time what subjects are going to be discussed, and allow you to edit the non-pertinent material out of the entries?"

Tom shrugged. "I don't see why not," he told her. He turned to B'Elanna. "How about you, honey?"

"Sure," B'Elanna replied. "Anything for the Captain."

"Is there any particular entry you're looking for now?" Tom asked.

"I've been preparing for a session on the covert mission that you were assigned early on in the journey," Ezri explained.

Tom paled slightly. "Oh, that," he said with a decided drop in emotion.

"Problem?" Ezri asked.

B'Elanna was amused. "He's just remembering how he decked Chakotay on the Bridge as part of his act," she pointed out.

"It's not funny, B'Elanna," Tom hissed. "You know the Big Guy didn't know it was an act. When the air was cleared after the mission, he made me his sparring partner for a few rounds. I still feel the bruises."

"Get real, Flyboy," B'Elanna playfully punched him in the arm. "Chakotay's a cream puff."

Tom looked at her like she had grown two heads. "_Cream Puff?!?!?!_" he exclaimed. "I don't see you offering to join him in the ring."

"That's because I'm not stupid," she told him cheerfully. "He may be a cream puff, but he takes his boxing really seriously."

Tom shook his head and then turned back to Ezri. "I'll have the entries to you by the end of the day," he offered. Then he added some advice. "I'd be careful with that one, Ezri. Chakotay was pretty pissed afterwards that he hadn't been informed of the mission. I had warned her that she was making a mistake in that, but she refused to reconsider. No one ever spoke of it afterwards, but there was a definite cooling between Chakotay and the Captain. He didn't trust her nearly as much for a long time."

"But he always backed her when it came to the crew's opinion of her," B'Elanna pointed out.

"True," Tom admitted. "Even when she was way out of line," he added.

"Why do you think that she kept the op from him?" Ezri asked.

"She wouldn't say, but if I had to guess, I'd say it was Tuvok's idea," Tom replied guardedly. "He and Chakotay had only a grudging respect for each other at that time, and I can imagine that Tuvok didn't want to have to justify a covert mission like that to him."

"That must have been around the time that Chak singlehandedly destroyed Sandrine's one night when his duty shift was over," B'Elanna mused.

"He did?" Tom asked, clearly stunned. He was thinking that it had to have been before the boxing session since the Big Guy had seemed a bit calmer than when he had originally 'invited' him to spar for a few rounds. He offered a silent prayer of thanks to whoever was listening for that slight reprieve.

"Oh yeah," B'Elanna said with a low whistle.

"Did Kathryn know?" Ezri pressed.

B'Elanna nodded. "I ran into her when I found out and was going to have to do some reprogramming of the holo matrix since it was a continuously adaptive formatted program," she told them. "She asked what had happened and I told her that Chakotay had destroyed the bar. I asked if I should make a report of it."

"What did she say?"

"She got a very quiet, sad look on her face and said 'It's not his fault. Don't file any reports.' Then she walked off with her shoulders slumped. I didn't think much of it at the time, but, in hindsight, it seems like she was pretty tore up about it," B'Elanna answered.

Ezri nodded. From what she had gleaned in her various discussions with Kathryn over the months, Chakotay's opinion of her had become deeply important to her even by that time on the journey through the Delta Quadrant. This had been a monumental screw up and one that she had been seriously reprimanded over during the debriefings when Voyager had returned. "I think that should do for now," she told her friends. "If I ever have any more questions about your time in the Delta Quadrant that I need some answers to, could I come to you? This has been a big help."

"Like I said, we'd do anything to help the Captain," B'Elanna said, making it clear that the old hands still considered Kathryn Janeway their Captain. Even Chakotay felt that way and had never corrected that kind of remark. Once again Ezri was presented with the evidence of how much good that Kathryn Janeway did on Voyager.

"I'll see you all later on, then," Ezri said as she stood and made her way out of the lounge. She giggled as she heard Tom Paris say in a stage whisper "_Cream puff?_" This was an amazing group of people.

A couple of hours later Ezri made her way to the Bridge. As she expected, Chakotay was in his Captain's chair in the center of the Bridge, Tom's matching chair empty next to it. She herself had a spot on the Bridge, and while on most ships it would also be next to the Captain, she preferred to work on the Bridge from one of the smaller science stations.

"Hi Ezri," Chakotay said as he looked up from a report he was looking over.

Ezri smiled. She liked Chakotay's approach of rarely using the Ready Room. The more visible and accessible a Captain was, the better, in her opinion. She also approved of the fact that Chakotay had made the Ready Room an office for both himself and Tom Paris.

"Could I talk to you in private for a minute, Captain?" she asked.

Chakotay looked up quizzically, but nodded. "In the Ready Room," he told her.

They walked into the spartan office and Chakotay got them each a cup of tea. Sitting across from her he made a come on motion.

"I'd like your permission to use certain entries in your personal logs from the time in the Delta Quadrant as I'm counseling Kathryn," she told him. "Starfleet Medical has granted the waiver for it, but I need the permission of the people in question."

Chakotay thought about it. He didn't like the idea of anyone looking through his personal logs, but then this was for Kathryn. It was not an easy request to consider. "How do you propose to use them, and how could I maintain control of them for purposes of my personal privacy?" he asked.

Ezri had expected that question. "I don't want unlimited access," she assured him. "When I come to a subject I want to explore with Kathryn and I think someone's personal logs will be helpful, I will ask that person if they would supply relevant entires, with any non-relevant material redacted."

"And anyone may say no to a specific request for any reason?" he pressed.

"Of course," Ezri stated directly.

He nodded. "You have my consent for my personal logs," he told her, "under the stipulations you mentioned."

"Thank you, Captain," she replied with a warm smile.

"Are there any you need soon?" he asked.

She took a deep breath. "Actually there are some entries that I would like to use. I will be exploring the covert mission she assigned to Tom Paris early on in the journey," she informed him. "If you would be willing, your entries relating to it would be very helpful."

Chakotay's shoulders slumped. "I'm not sure I'm very comfortable with my logs being used in that discussion," he told her honestly. "I said some very harsh things in my logs when I found out about the deception. I don't want Kathryn to have to deal with my anger over it again."

Ezri picked up on his phrasing right away. "What do you mean again?" she asked. She was now in counseling mode since it was very obviously troubling to him.

"When I found out about it, I was in shock," he confided. "She had let me be publicly humiliated with no clue as to what was going on and boiled it down to a nonsensical rationale that she needed a 'good performance.' Afterwards I went to the Sandrine's program where I had a good old fashioned bar fight and destroyed the place. A few hours later she came to my quarters to try and apologize, but I refused to accept it and told her off. I ended it by saying that it would be a very long time before I really could trust her again, if ever."

"What happened then?" Ezri asked. She was shocked. Chakotay was by nature a very forgiving and caring person. For him to react so horribly, even though justified by the events in question, showed just how hurt he had been by the deception.

"I'm not sure, really," he replied in a wooden voice. "I turned my back on her and a moment later I heard her leave. It took a long time for us to regain our friendship, and even longer before I was ready to trust her again."

"You do realize that when it comes to Kathryn's counseling, I need to address this subject," Ezri pointed out. "It was one of several incidents that earned her serious reprimands by the Review Board."

"I know," he replied quietly. He made a decision. "I'll give you the entries unredacted, but I want you to review them and then decide which parts you want to use. Show me those and I will let you know whether I approve. Agreed?"

Ezri nodded. This was more than she had asked for. It also told her that she would have to be careful in the session with Kathryn. "Agreed."

Chakotay went over to the desk terminal and tapped a few commands. He quickly transferred some information to a PADD. He held it out to her. "It's encrypted to your codes," he told her.

Ezri took the PADD without even looking at it. She stood and asked to be dismissed. On having approval, she left to make her way to her office. It was going to be a long day, but at least she was a lot more prepared for Kathryn's next session.

That evening Ezri sat back in her quarters after having read through Chakotay's log entries dealing with the covert op. He hadn't been kidding. His personal reaction had been very harsh. He'd even put it in the context of how he felt when Starfleet had ignored their treaty obligations regarding the former colonies in the DMZ. Most of the entries were simply to harsh for her to use with Kathryn. That much was clear. Tom Paris had provided her with his and at least she could use those. There were a couple of elements in Chakotay's that would be helpful and she highlighted them. Placing them in an encrypted file, she sent it to his terminal under his code sequence. Now all she could do was wait. It would probably be well into the next day before she got a response from either of them, but she had accomplished a lot that day.


	5. Chapter 5

_Now that the holidays have come and gone, and I have more time, I have finally been able to finish this fifth chapter to this story. In this one, Kathryn has her session with Ezri dealing with Tom's covert mission, though it doesn't go well. Sorry for the long delay. I'm hoping to have the next chapter done in a couple of weeks. _

_Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchises. No copyright infringement is intended._

Kathryn approached the holodeck at the appointed hour for her scheduled meeting with Ezri. She hadn't been informed of the subject of this session, though, and that made her slightly nervous. It took a bit of the control away from her, and that had always been a bit disconcerting for Kathryn. Coming to the wall console just outside the holodeck doors, she checked to make sure that it was indeed Ezri in there, since a program was already running. Confirming that she was, Kathryn ordered the doors opened and walked in. She grimaced when she found herself standing in a recreation of her old Ready Room on Voyager. It wasn't the room itself that she was uncomfortable with, but what it represented in terms of how she prioritized things on Voyager and allowed herself to become someone she was not pleased with.

"Good morning, Kathryn," Ezri said from the couch below the view ports.

"Good morning," Kathryn said a bit tersely. She may appreciate what these sessions were accomplishing, and the camaraderie that was being developed, but she was starting to feel that Ezri Dax was beginning to assume too much.

"I realize that you're probably not very happy with me right now," Ezri said as she took a sip of the coffee she had already poured for herself.

"And why would you think that?" Kathryn asked sarcastically. "I wanted counseling, and I'm glad that I have you as my counselor, but that does not mean that I approve of this kind of action. I do not appreciate being taken back to the scene of the crime, or crimes, so to speak."

"What crime?" Ezri asked. She was keeping a careful eye on Kathryn's body language. She'd expected the harsh reaction.

"Avoidance of reality," Kathryn spat out. She was very angry now, and couldn't understand why she was reacting this harshly. "The second those damn doors closed behind me," she said as she pointed back to the doors that led to the Bridge, "reality was left behind and some of the worst mistakes I've ever made happened right in here because I closed myself off from the very reality that I should have been very much aware of."

"Such as not telling Chakotay of the covert mission that you and Tuvok sent Tom Paris on?" Ezri questioned.

Kathryn paled instantly when that horrible mistake was brought up. Images flashed across her mind. Her listening to and agreeing with Tuvok's desire to keep the existence of the operation from Chakotay. Arrogantly ignoring Tom's concerns on that point and making him carry out his part with no more commenting on it. The incredible rage that flashed for a brief second on Chakotay's face and in his eyes when she had informed him of the mission after the fact and her incredibly insulting rationale for his being left in the dark. The horribly empty feeling she had when she returned to her quarters after learning of Chakotay's lone destruction of Sandrine's, and his extremely harsh denunciation of her in his quarters later where he told her that it would be a long while before he would ever be able to trust her again.

For a long time Kathryn had looked at her mistakes in command through a graduated lens, with her keeping Chakotay at a personal distance instead of allowing a relationship with him being her greatest mistake. After that two mistakes vied for second place. The covert mission fiasco and her actions during the incident involving the Equinox. Always the covert mission ended up being right after the relationship decision after she had given it some thought. Instead of saying anything to Ezri, she simply turned and walked out of the holodeck.

"I'd like to know what the hell you were thinking by that little stunt," Chakotay said in a calm, deadly voice as he faced Ezri in his Ready Room. "I warned you that that was a very bad time and there were a lot of mistakes all around, Ezri. The least you could have done was warn her that you were going to be bringing it up."

"I misread how the situation would affect her," Ezri replied, trying to stay calm. "I had hoped to unnerve her a bit, but in a way that would allow her to open up somewhat."

"You're damn right you misread it," Chakotay shot back, a little rude, but he was pretty upset. He'd found Kathryn in their quarters listlessly looking at holo-images from New Earth, with her eyes a bit red and puffy from crying. She'd told him what had happened and then he'd spent an hour talking to her, trying to put some perspective into the bad memory that the session with Ezri had brought up. "I've got her somewhat calmed down about it, but I expect you to go down there and speak with her. And one more thing. No more using the holodeck for your sessions with her unless I approve it beforehand. And you will inform her beforehand of the subject of any session from here on out. Understood?"

Ezri heard the complete finality in the order and knew that it would do no good to try and argue. "Yes, Sir," she replied.

Ezri pressed the chime to Kathryn's quarters. She was not surprised at Chakotay's reaction to what had happened, and was relieved that she had been treated relatively well, all things considered.

_"Come in."_

Ezri walked in as the door slid open. The living area was warm and inviting with various pieces of artwork and numerous rugs and throws of Native American design. The bookshelves held many holo-images and real books. All in all, it was a home.

"I'd like to apologize, Kathryn," Ezri said as she came to a halt before the older woman.

Kathryn looked up at Ezri and regarded her carefully. She was not a fool, and knew that Chakotay had left their quarters visibly angry at what had happened. Hopefully he hadn't been to hard on Ezri. Mistakes happen, and Kathryn could see that the apology was genuine.

"Have a seat, please," she said finally. She poured a second cup of coffee from the carafe in front of her and slid it over to the Trill. "I've never spoken to anyone other than Tuvok and Chakotay about that time since it happened. Even the Review Board could see that it was not a subject for discussion and simply registered the serious reprimand against me for what I had done. I made a number of professional mistakes while in command of Voyager, and while denying Chakotay a relationship with me was the most severe, in my opinion, it was a combination of personal and professional. What I did with regards to the covert mission was purely professional, and I paid a heavy price. We regained our friendship, and worked very well together, but I honestly don't believe that Chakotay ever truly, fully trusted me again after that time while we were still out there. In many ways, it was that mistake that caused me to shut people out, and to begin making unilateral decisions that effectively played games with peoples lives."

"Such as the attempted alliance with the Borg?" Ezri asked.

"Yes," Kathryn shuddered slightly as she remembered what she had said to Chakotay in anger during that incident. She turned to face her friend. "Maybe someday I'll be ready to speak to you about the covert mission, but not today. I have some other people to talk to about it first. It's something that's long overdue."

Ezri could sense that she was being dismissed at this point. Not surprising considering the reaction this morning, and what Kathryn had just told her. "Are we okay for our regular session for next week?" she asked.

Kathryn nodded. "Yes," she told her.

"I'd like to discuss the Borg next time," Ezri let her know. "You made the point during the Review Boards that you considered that subject to have a lot of different outcomes, both positive and negative."

Kathryn had a pretty good idea as to that they would be discussing, and it was an important subject. "Fair enough," she said after a moment. She stood. "I have some work to get to, Ezri. I'll see you next week."

Ezri left thinking that this had gone better than she had any right to expect.

Kathryn was waiting for Chakotay when he got off duty and returned to their quarters. She had a dinner already replicated and laid out in warming dishes. A bottle of wine was on the table, as well. It was time to deal with something that had plagued her for years, and while she was not happy with how Ezri had done it, she was glad the subject had come up.

"Special occasion?" Chakotay asked as he entered their quarters. He gave her a hug on his way to their bedroom to change into something comfortable. He had a personal rule that when he was off duty, he was out of uniform. His view of command was simple. The crew needed confidence that while he knew what he was doing professionally, they also needed to know that he was a real person and had a life outside of duty as well.

"Not really," Kathryn said with a bit more volume while he was in the bedroom. "I just wanted to have a nice dinner, and then talk to you about something. That and say thank you for this morning."

Chakotay emerged wearing a forest green pullover shirt that trailed down low, and a pair of beige slacks made of a soft cotton fiber. He wore fur lined moccasins for comfort. He'd never been comfortable in shoes or standard uniform boots, though he'd worn them most of his adult life. He regarded her carefully to see if she was still upset. "Anytime, Kathryn," he said with a smile once he saw nothing that concerned him. "So what's for dinner?" he asked.

She smiled. "Mushroom soup, stuffed mushroom caps, braised asparagus, steamed cauliflower, sliced peaches, and coffee ice cream for dessert," she informed him. She saw his eyes light up when he heard about the two mushroom dishes, which were his favorite.

"Any trouble with the replicator?" he teased as he lifted the lid on the container with the mushroom soup.

"No," she said with a playful slap. "Lucky for you this one seems to like me, or maybe just you and wants to stay in one piece serving you."

Chakotay laughed as he sat down and poured them each a glass of wine. He remembered many occasions when he would show up in her quarters on Voyager and see her on the floor with her replicator literally in a hundred pieces, dinner a bust for the night.

They ate like always, avoiding any business topic as to allow them a short respite from the travails of the demanding jobs they had. In many ways, Kathryn, as head of all the sciences departments on the ship, and the Scientific mission itself, had more on her plate than he did most days. If business had to be discussed or worked on, it was always delayed until after dinner and a short time just being Kathryn and Chakotay on the couch, or, on a number of occasions, their bed.

"I'd like to talk to you about something," she said when they had settled down on the couch with a glass of wine, and some soft music playing in the background. She shifted against him, finding a comfortable spot nestled against his side. She could spend hours like that, simply enjoying his physical presence and nothing more. There were any number of evenings spent just like that on the veranda of their home in San Francisco.

"The covert mission?" he asked.

"I need you to know something," she nodded. "I lost something the second I agreed with Tuvok's foolish recommendation to not inform you of the operation. When we first met, you gave me your trust. Until I lost that trust, I'm ashamed to admit that I never truly knew how much it meant to me. Forever after that time, I have never known if I've ever earned that trust back. I know you love me, and continued to do so during the time we were out there despite my arrogance about protocol, but when I lost your trust, something snapped. I began to withdraw from people even more, and because of that I lost a certain semblance of reality. My decisions became more unilateral and without input, such as the Borg Alliance. I'm not sure why, but I think maybe I was trying to prove to you that I could make good decisions and be a good Captain. Instead made a horrible mess of our command relationship that never really recovered, even though you still supported me in all things."

Chakotay absorbed what she said and sat silently. He had played his own part in a lot of the problems that they had as a command team over the years, but he couldn't deny that his trust in her had been shattered. He decided to let her continue and then say something. Sometimes it was better to simply let someone talk about whatever the problems were bothering them.

Kathryn continued. "I owe you an apology that I was too stubborn, and also too fragile, to give you a long time ago. I tried at the time, but it was half hearted at best considering the pathetic excuse for an explanation that I had given you earlier in the day. Looking back on it, I don't even know why I listened to Tuvok when he made the original recommendation. Even by that time I had more trust in your judgment and integrity than I did his, despite my complete loyalty to him as an officer and longtime friend. I knew I was making a mistake, and I still went along with it. Even Tom Paris raised a serious objection to not informing you."

Chakotay didn't know that. He'd always assumed that Paris had went along with it unquestioningly. Now he felt a little bad about making the man be his sparring partner when all was said and done. He made a note to offer his own late apology the next day.

"I really don't know what to say," he finally replied. That was true. She'd bared her feelings and her point of view of the impact of it all on her, but he didn't know how to respond.

She reached down and clasped his hand, interweaving their fingers. "You don't have to say anything," she told him. "I'm not even sure if I'll ever be able to speak of it again, but after this morning, I needed to tell you. I've always believed that lives can be altered irrevocably with a single event, or decision. I made three or four such decisions on Voyager, and each one of them damaged us. It's partly because of that that I have such a difficult time being comfortable accepting accolades for the years on Voyager, or feeling that my command was a success." She paused, trying to decide if she should ask the one question she had. In the end she felt she wanted to know. "Did you ever regain your trust in me?" she asked, her voice a bit small, and soft, as if almost fearing the answer.

"Yes," he replied. His mind was struggling at this point. He'd known ever since they had got back to the Alpha Quadrant that she had her demons, but hearing them, even in such vague images, was difficult for him. Despite it all, the pedestal he'd always had her on, trust issues aside, had never wavered. Weakened, perhaps, at times, but never wavered.

"When," she pressed, inwardly very content to finally know that she had regained something so precious.

"It was slow to build on Voyager after that time, and I was always very wary, so I can't really say it was while we were out there," he offered apologetically. "I think if I had to place a time on it, it was the first day of the hearings on the Maquis and you stood and demanded that we be exonerated right then, no hearings, and the real debriefings begin instead. It was the honest passion for others that I hadn't seen in a long time. I saw the woman I had pledged my service to, and the woman I'd fallen in love with, all rolled into one for the first time in years."

Kathryn leaned her head on his shoulder. She remembered that day vividly. It was not only the day she kept her promise to defend the Maquis, but also the day she had heard that his relationship with Seven was over. She'd found enough courage to admit her feelings for him, and that evening had brazenly asked him to marry her while they had dinner. Another pivotal turning point, indeed.

"I don't want you giving Ezri a hard time over today," she told him after enjoying the silence and his calming warmth for a few moments. "She made a mistake, but I can see that not all counseling sessions will be prefect. Mistakes will be made, and time to regroup and get centered will be necessary. I didn't help by simply walking out and hiding in here."

"You were shocked and angry," Chakotay offered. He made a note to speak to Ezri again and tone down his demands.

"But at least it shows me just how far I have to go in dealing with my issues," she admitted.

"Then your personal mission is a bit more defined," he said with a teasing glint in his eyes as he said the word "defined."

Kathryn groaned. "You're never going to let me live it down that after you told me in the most romantic way that you were in love with me, I turn around and say we have to "define parameters" are you?" she asked.

"I doubt it," he replied with a chuckle, glad that they could move into more humorous territory.

Kathryn stood and held out her hands to him. "Then how about we go into the bedroom and continue with our long standing mission of erasing any remaining boundaries between us, physical and metaphorical?" she asked with a smile, and a sultry wink. Their love making would also allow her to reaffirm to herself the reality that she hadn't lost him as she had feared for all those years on Voyager. Before she knew it he was standing and had picked her up, cradling her to him, one hand under her knees and the other behind her shoulders.

"Spirits I'm glad we made it home," he said as he walked them to their bed.

"So am I," she told him as she nuzzled his neck, all the while shedding a few tears as she thought of how close she had come to actually losing any chance at all with him.

_A/N: I'm sorry for the incredibly long delay in this chapter being completed, but it did not write well, and as a result I rewrote it several times before coming up with this. I wanted to briefly explore the truth that not all counseling sessions are successes, and sometimes backward steps occur. I'm still not completely satisfied with this, but I hope it was worth the wait. Let me know. Gregg._


	6. Chapter 6

_For some time I've been working on this new chapter, and several times I changed the dynamics so that I could make a necessary leap forward for Kathryn to deal with subsequent issues. I hope the wait was worth it and I appreciate the feedback I have consistently received._

_Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchises. No copyright infringement is intended._

Kathryn and Chakotay were on the couch, snuggling, as they wound down the long day. Both had been busy. Chakotay had had to deal with some negotiations with a planetary head, while she had had to reorganize and substantially rewrite the research protocols for the studies that they wanted to conduct on some of the more unique natural phenomena on this planet. It had been a quiet couple of months otherwise.

"When do you see Ezri again?" he asked her. After his anger over the overstepping a few months before regarding the covert operation on Voyager, he had stepped back and let things work themselves out. Kathryn had asked him to, and he had done so.

"Day after tomorrow," Kathryn replied. She took a sip of her wine. "She wants to talk about New Earth."

"Good or bad?" he questioned. He had both kinds of memories from that idyllic time, but he wasn't so sure about Kathryn. He was well aware that she would often look through her holo album that she put together for herself during their time there, which she had never revealed to him until they were home and she'd admitted her feelings to him.

Kathryn paused. Despite all the time that had passed, and the fact that they were now together and happily married, she had never really discussed New Earth with him. She had no real regrets of that time, except one. It was that one, though, that caused her to mentally beat herself up.

"Good, I think," she finally answered.

"You think?" he questioned. He wanted her to be able to comfortably deal with any issue, good or bad, with Ezri, but her continuing uncertainty on a lot of things worried him. Sure she seemed more comfortable with many more subjects that in the past, but her deep insecurity over her personal perception of the Voyager years was disturbing. Any commanding officer makes mistakes, and she had made her share, but the proof of success was the very fact that despite all the odds Voyager had returned decades earlier than it had any right to expect to, and substantially intact, structurally and personnel wise. The devotion of the crew was another added point in her favor. Once again he cursed Starfleet for essentially forcing a promotion on her and almost no time to acclimate to being home before bringing her back on duty.

"Is it possible to have such wonderful memories of a time, and yet know that the most serious mistake you ever made is also tied into that very time?" she asked almost rhetorically. She slowly took his hand in hers and rubbed her thumb over his knuckles.

He knew exactly what she regarded as the mistake. Her refusal to pursue a relationship when Voyager returned for them. "I'm not so sure it was a mistake," he told her. "At least not at that particular point," he hastened to add upon seeing her shocked expression.

"What do you mean?" she questioned. She'd never heard him say anything like that before.

"You weren't ready when Voyager returned for us," he pointed out. "It took you a long time on New Earth to realize that it was possible for you to have a life outside duty, and it took all your effort to reach that point. You had to return to being a Captain, and that took work. The effort needed to be a Captain, and get used to being in a serious, committed relationship, would have been too much."

She caught on to what he was saying. "But when I had made the transition back to being the Captain, I never even tried to be in a relationship," she finished. "You should have pushed me on it and made me face what I was hiding from."

He shrugged. "Maybe," he admitted. "But what were you hiding from?" he asked, placing it back on her. He hadn't been officially listed as Voyager's Counselor after the fact for nothing, after all.

"Myself, I think," she replied after really trying to think of something that could answer his question. "Or rather my stubborn pride."

Chakotay knew she was stubborn, and was very prideful, almost to the point of it being a serious emotional handicap, but he didn't really understand what she was getting at. "What do you mean?" he asked. He felt like he was once again being thrust into the role of counselor, but he was her husband, and that made him a counselor regardless, just like she was his.

"All my career, I prided myself on how I carried myself, and followed the rules," she explained. "I learned about command from people like Owen Paris, and even when I had a Captain who I served under as First Officer who was more like you, I was very uncomfortable with anything but a strict adherence to what I believed were the proper rules and order of things. As superb a First Officer as you were, Chakotay, you made me feel very nervous and skittish since you didn't let me narrow my command focus. Early on, I began to refuse to second guess myself, or go back on a course of action once I had decided something. At least then, though, I was willing to listen to the opinions of you and to a smaller degree the Senior Staff. When we found out that Voyager was coming back for us, I made a decision, both inside and also verbally to you, that what we had on New Earth couldn't be on Voyager. Once I had readjusted and knew that a relationship could work, I hid. My pride would have been seriously wounded because I would be going back on something I had decided and made known to you."

"That's not the worst reason a person can have for not doing something," he commented. "We all need certain boundaries that give us a meaningful level of self-respect and dignity."

"Even if the decisions made were wrong?" she asked.

"Even then," he chuckled. "That doesn't mean that a person can't change their mind later on, but it does mean that when, or if, that happens, the person is ready. For whatever the reason, I don't think you were really ready on Voyager."

She nodded. Even after all these years, despite how much she knew she had hurt him on Voyager, he was still able to look at it in a way that allowed her to feel balanced, rather than riddled with shame. The shame was there, of course, but not at a debilitating level.

"Three chances," she said suddenly.

"What?" he asked, not sure what she was referring to.

"I had three pivotal moments on New Earth where we could have become lovers and the whole discussion about what to do when Voyager returned would have been moot," she revealed. She looked up. "If we had become lovers on New Earth, I hope you know that I would not have ended it when Voyager returned."

That was reassuring to him, in some fashion. "What three moments?" he asked, not wanting to let her get maudlin about what could have been.

"The first one was when I got startled in the tub by our primate friend and you came out with me standing there wrapped only in a towel," she recalled with a smile.

"I seem to recall that incident," Chakotay teased with a small laugh. He was also remembering how she looked with the water droplets rolling down her upper chest and under the towel which displayed a nice cleavage as seen from his taller height.

"You would," she chuckled as she remembered the look in his eyes as he gazed down at her when she was standing beside him in nothing but that towel. Her own look probably wasn't any less lustful than his, though, so she had no room to criticize. That was if she wanted to criticize, which she didn't.

"Hey, the love of my life was standing there in nothing but a towel and water dripping down her body? You've got to expect some sort of reaction," he teased even further.

"Too bad you didn't know my own reaction," she said lightly as she recalled the sensations her body experienced at the moment in question. "I came very close to inviting you to get back into the tub with me," she informed him with a chuckle. Her voice got a bit huskier. "And you know how much I enjoy sharing my baths," she added.

"And I wish I did then," he continued teasing a bit. Kathryn was being serious, but he also could see that she was much more comfortable than she had been just a bit ago. "What was the second moment?"

She clasped his hand and intertwined her fingers with his carefully and held them up in front of them, loving the contrast in skin tone that was such a perfect example of 'them' and their individual natures. "This," she told him. "When you told me you couldn't just define parameters and then told me that beautiful legend I could have done so much more than just merge our hands like this. I should have told you that I shared your feelings, and I did even then."

"Why didn't you?" he asked curiously.

"That whole day had been about accepting the reality that everything that I had spent weeks working to accomplish was gone and couldn't be brought back," she explained. "It was simply too much to add right at that moment. Could I have told you I was in love with you and taken you to bed? Yes, I could have, very easily, but I would have been overwhelmed the next day and that could have been disastrous for us. I really believe that, Chakotay, despite it being another moment that things _could_ have changed for us."

"Looking back on it, do you regret it now?" he pressed.

"Maybe, maybe not," she replied hesitantly. "I think in hindsight, we would have worked out any emotional issues I would have had if we'd become lovers at that point in time, but it's too hard to say, no matter what they say about hindsight."

She paused, and knew that he was thinking very hard about what she had revealed. Her heart told her that they would have thrived, no matter what, but her mind was not so sure. That was more distressing than anything: her mind. She always thought and investigated issues too damn much. If Chakotay had taught her anything of genuine value over the years, it was that the concept of faith was real. Perhaps that was the problem she'd been having for so many years in dealing with her command. She was placing too much value and emphasis on her mind, which because of her heartache over what she had done to Chakotay over the years, refused to let her view it in positive terms. Her heart, on the other hand, showed her the friends she had from Voyager, and the sense of family that permeated that group, and which she felt now that she allowed herself to become close to them. It was a vicious circle at times. She had loved them all for so long, but her commitment to her rather narrow and inappropriate 'protocols' and 'command distance' ideals had kept her from what could have been a very energizing support structure in the Delta Quadrant. Now that she allowed them all in, and had that sense, she was tormented by her sense of failure at the most fundamental levels with regard to the time spent in the Delta Quadrant. She looked again at their hands.

"It was staring me in the face the whole time," she murmured.

"Pardon?" he asked.

"Balance," she informed him. She gripped his hand tighter. "Look at our hands. The balance that is given with the large and small, light and dark. Perfectly blended to give strength and grace, but also a shield, one for the other and vice-versa, in case of pain and grief. It was right in front of me for seven years, and I failed to recognize it. I failed to recognize it when we were told that Voyager was coming back for us. My third lost moment. You'd just shown me that boat design and right then I was ready, but shied away when Tuvok contacted us. Then I made that stupid, pompous declaration that we couldn't be more than friends on Voyager. I upset the balance that was there in our lives, and what was being offered in our command."

"But is that a failure, or simply a mistake," he questioned.

"A year ago I would have said it was a monumental failure, but today I can look at it as a mistake," she replied honestly. "I can still hate myself for the failure to be with you after we had returned to Voyager and readapted to being in command, but New Earth, in addition to a wonderful time in my life, was nothing more than a set of mistakes at key moments. A beautiful time in my life that I am grateful to have recovered when we got home to the Alpha Quadrant."

Two days later, Ezri walked up to the door of the main holodeck. Kathryn had surprised her by inviting her here for the counseling session instead of meeting at Ezri's office. Checking to make sure there were no privacy locks on the program, she ordered the doors opened and she walked into a very peaceful outdoor setting, a standard Starfleet shelter in the near distance.

"Ezri!" Kathryn's voice came from the left once the doors had shut.

Ezri turned and saw Kathryn, dressed in a sleek athletic bodysuit, running towards her on what was obviously a running trail. "Good morning, Kathryn," she said as the older woman came to a stop beside her.

"I decided to come a bit early and get a good run for the morning," Kathryn explained. "Come with me. I want to show you around."

The two women walked over to the shelter and walked into the small enclosure. Ezri noticed it was very comfortable, despite the small size. Various pieces of artwork adorned the walls, and art supplies were spread across the table.

"This is New Earth," Kathryn explained when she came out from behind a partial wall, dressed now in some casual clothes. "I made the program shortly after we returned to Voyager, but never used it until after we got back to Earth."

"How come?" Ezri asked, looking around with a more detailed observation.

Kathryn sat and slid over a cup of coffee to Ezri. "I made the program to share with Chakotay, and as long as I refused to allow a relationship with him, I refused to use this program."

"How large is the program?"

"Voyager took detailed scans, so I used the to make the program parameters," Kathryn prefaced. "I designed it to have a radius of 500 km using this shelter as the central reference point."

"How much have you explored in the last few years?"

"Not all of it, though I think I've gone down river about 100 km," Kathryn revealed. "Chakotay and I have some favorite places to hike, camp, explore, or simply lay about and relax. We made use of a large hologrid and had our honeymoon in this program."

"What do you think of New Earth after all this time?" Ezri asked curiously. Even if she wasn't a counselor, she would have been interested, especially now after seeing the beauty of this place.

Kathryn stood up. "Come with me," she ordered. "I had a long conversation about just that with Chakotay the evening before last. I'll tell you about it as I show you around."

For the next two hours Kathryn gave Ezri a fairly extensive tour of the area that she had lived with Chakotay in. Some elements were private, and Kathryn avoided those, but some she willingly talked about. During their first session months before, she had told the Trill of her thinking tree on Earth. Now she showed her her 'thinking rock' which was a large stone slab that jutted out over the river a few miles from the shelter. It was the last place on the tour.

"Take a seat," she told Ezri. "I guess I should answer your question now, huh?" she said with a chuckle.

"If you want to," Ezri replied. "You obviously love New Earth."

"I do," Kathryn answered. "Or perhaps I love what it represents now, and the possibilities that were there if I had chosen to accept them."

"So was this time a failure, or something different?" Ezri pressed. Kathryn was in such a good mood in this holoprogram, and was volunteering so much, that Ezri felt comfortable asking the question.

"After the talk the other night, and showing you all this today, I can't say it was a failure," Kathryn admitted. "I made some mistakes, but I know now that I lacked something: balance. Without it, there was simply no way I could have made good decisions about this time and what was being offered. I'm starting to realize that I've been creating a very nasty circle for my thinking about not only this, but my entire command of Voyager."

"That's a pretty powerful realization," Ezri pointed out, extremely pleased at the progress that had evidently been made. This was the major turning point that she had been hoping would materialize soon.

"I noticed that almost every decision point that I was viewing as a failure, was in reality my thinking too much about the issue instead of using my own intuitive sense about things to guide me in how I viewed the past. Instead of failure, it was simply mistakes that were made, which in all honesty happens to everyone," Kathryn admitted calmly, though inside she was still skittish about the change in her thinking.

"I hate to cut this short when we've come to this point, but I have an appointment that I have to be there for," Ezri said with genuine regret. She would have loved to continue the discussion. "I think, though, that you're ready to discuss some of the more personal issues that occurred on Voyager that you have trouble with."

Kathryn knew full well what she was talking about, and nodded slowly. "Let me know what you want to talk about before next weeks session," she requested. She stood, and so did Ezri.

"No problem," Ezri smiled, and then she called for the arch. "Thank you for sharing this with me, Kathryn. I can see why it's so special for you and Chakotay."

"I thought you should see why I have such mixed feelings about New Earth," Kathryn offered. "See you next week, Ezri."

When Ezri left, Kathryn began making her way back to the shelter. She had the whole day off duty and decided that sitting down with some art work. She enjoyed the Da Vinci program she still used on occasion, but she enjoyed sitting at the table in the shelter even more. Maybe after a few hours more, she could convince Chakotay to take off a little early and come here for an evening of memory making personal time. Smiling, she quickened her pace. Today had been a much better day that she had originally hoped for.


	7. Chapter 7

_For a long time I had trouble deciding what to write for this chapter, debating between two options, and then when I decided, I had trouble actually writing it out. Here now, after a long delay, is the next chapter of A New Mission. I hope that this chapter is a worthy next addition to the story._

_Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

Admirals Spock, McCoy, and Scott were sitting on the veranda of Spock's San Francisco home overlooking Golden Gate Park which he had purchased some time back when he had returned to Starfleet permanently. He'd had the option of living in the Vulcan Embassy, but had declined as he no longer considered himself an Ambassador, though he maintained surreptitious contacts with the Reunification Movement on Romulus.

"This is a beautiful view, Spock," McCoy said for probably the thousandth time since he'd stepped foot out onto the wide veranda for the first time when Spock had originally purchased the home.

"Aye, Dr. McCoy is right, Spock," Scotty added with an appreciative sip of his single malt Scotch that Spock had poured for him. He had to admit that Spock was an impeccable host, having the kind of drinks on hand that his friends enjoyed. Dr. McCoy had a mint julep in hand, and had been positively effusive in his praise of it. That was saying something of Spock's bartending abilities.

"Thank you, Gentlemen," Spock acknowledged.

"I've received some updates from Commander Dax about Janeway," McCoy told the group.

"How are her efforts progressing?" Spock inquired curiously. He was genuinely curious about the sessions that were being conducted to help Janeway deal with her turmoil over the seven years in the Delta Quadrant. His brief meetings with her had shown him that she was an exceptional officer, and a decent person who had sadly been pushed too far.

"Aye, I'm curious, too," Scotty added. He liked the Voyager crew and had been pleased that they were the people crewing the ship he'd designed.

"Real progress is being made," McCoy told them as he sipped his mint julep. "They've dealt with some tricky issues and Janeway is beginning to look at those years with a bit more objective view, and not in a black and white frame of reference," he said in a more clinical manner.

"She reminds me of Jim Kirk in a lot of ways," Scotty said as they contemplated the situation.

"And like her, Jim had his inner conflicts," Spock told them.

"Dax says that she's ready to discuss the Equinox matter," McCoy let out. He wasn't so sure that was a good idea on Dax's part this early in the counseling. From the material he'd seen, Janeway had every right to have some demons over that incident, and it had to be handled delicately.

"In many ways, it reminds me of our last mission on the Enterprise," Spock told them. "I forced the issue of our engagement with the Klingons when I volunteered our ship and crew for the mission to meet Chancellor Gorkon. Jim was not pleased, and it caused a great deal of friction between us for some time."

"None of us were really thrilled with that mission," McCoy said with a hint of sarcasm. He still despised the cold, which was a direct consequence of being on Rura Penthe, and he didn't hesitate to give Spock some grief over it whenever he had the chance. It was all good natured, but it had been quite some time in the immediate aftermath of that mission before he'd been able to speak with Spock comfortably.

"Aye," Scotty agreed. "Ye know how tedious 'twas to visually inspect every one o' those torpedoes?" he said darkly. His size and age had worked against him in those tight quarters doing something he trusted no one else but himself to do, given the stakes.

"Well Rura Penthe was no picnic, Scotty," McCoy reminded him.

"Nor was my conversation with Jim about the incident after we returned to Earth," Spock told them. He saw that he had their attention, so he described the conversation.

_Stardate 9310.4, Starfleet Headquarters, San Francisco, Earth_

_Captain Spock walked up to his friend, and now former commanding officer, Captain James T. Kirk, who was speaking to Admiral Bill Smillie, the C-in-C. He got to them just as the Admiral nodded and walked off, already deep in whatever his next concern was. Jim turned to him as he approached._

_"Two more months, Spock, and it's all over," Jim said with a slight smile. He motioned his old friend to walk with him._

_"Is that what Admiral Smillie was speaking with you about?" Spock asked curiously. He himself had been approached by the Academy to consider a Professorship in Applied Theoretical Cosmology, and he had also been offered a promotion and the position of Chief of Sciences for all of Starfleet._

_"With the rapprochement with the Klingons in the aftermath of Khitomer, and the rapport I now have with Chancellor Azetbur, he wants me to hold off on retirement and become the Federation Liaison to the Klingons, with a promotion to Admiral," Jim informed his best friend._

_"It is a logical assignment and request," Spock pointed out._

_"I turned it down," Jim replied as he ushered Spock into a small, unused conference room. He took a seat and waited for Spock to do so. Then he continued. "I'm tired, Spock," he explained. "The Enterprise-A being decommissioned wasn't the only reason I had decided to retire."_

_"Indeed," Spock intoned the familiar word. He was worried about his friend. Naturally being forced on this mission had not worked well, though the end results were beneficial for all involved._

_"No, it wasn't the only reason," Jim stated again. "Uhura and Chekov are ready for a captaincy of their own, whether in command of a ship, or a department head position at Headquarters, and it won't be long until that happens. Scotty is about ready to retire, and I think that this last year and a half has been staying on out of nostalgia for him rather than a desire to remain in the service. Bones wants to spend more time with his grandkids. Sulu's already gone and commanding Excelsior. I just don't want to command, or work anymore, without those people."_

_Spock nodded. All of what Jim said was true. He himself had been receiving various offers, from Starfleet and outside the service, for new positions and responsibilities. Some of them, he had to admit, were worthy of serious consideration. One that he was now looking at with genuine interest was one from his Father, tendered just the evening before, and that was to retire from Starfleet and become an Ambassador at Large. The Federation maintained four permanent Ambassadors at Large, and there was one vacancy right then. Sarek had remarked that given Spock's good standing with the Klingon Empire, he would make an excellent fourth Ambassador at Large for the Federation._

_"I was the wrong person for the mission, Spock," Jim said suddenly._

_Spock had known that this was coming. "In what way?" he asked._

_"Someone without the emotional baggage I have should have been sent in my stead, whether another ship, or simply leaving me here and you taking the Enterprise out, it doesn't matter," Jim told his friend. "It worked out in the end, Spock, but you crossed the line and manipulated the whole situation."_

_Spock knew that all this was true, hence the rather cool tone to their friendship during the mission, and afterwards. He was well aware that it would right itself in time, and a very short time at that, but it was uncomfortable to have to endure. His emotional control kept the worst of the thoughts and emotions at bay, but it didn't make it any easier to experience._

_"I realize that now," he admitted. "In my defense I can only say that the situation required such actions, as you are the one Starfleet officer that the Klingons respect, despite their hatred of you in the main, as you are the only officer who has never been defeated by the Klingons. Such a move on our part would demonstrate how seriously we take the negotiations, and also the safety of their leadership."_

_Jim stood up. "I know that, Spock, and one day I'll even be able to admit it to myself, but I can't right now. It's all too raw, and the reminder of David that all this brought about also is too much for me," he told his friend. "Give me time, Spock. I'm tired, depressed, and worn out."_

_Spock stood as well. "Then I will say what is logical," he replied as he held up his hand in the traditional Vulcan salute. "Live Long, and Prosper," he intoned. "I will let you know of my final decision about Starfleet."_

_"Do that, Spock," Jim said as he offered his own version of the salute, which caused Spock to offer a rare smile, or at least what was a smile for Spock, being the slight, almost minuscule upraising of one corner of his mouth. "You know where to find me."_

_"Indeed I do," Spock told him as they both left and parted ways._

Spock concluded his short narrative and looked at his friends. They were sitting there lost in their own thoughts of that time, and each were no doubt trying to recall their feelings about the mission and how it came about. He had done so many times over the years, despite the illogic of such introspection.

"So whose mistake was it, Spock?" McCoy asked finally. He'd listened carefully, and it was the one question that he had. Both Jim and Spock had made mistakes with regard to that final mission, but it was unclear who had been wrong. That, to him, was the crucial point, and it also would mean a great deal in considering Janeway's guilt over the Equinox incident.

"We each made mistakes, Dr. McCoy," Spock concluded. "My mistake was in not discussing the options with Jim beforehand, and taking in his advice. Jim's mistake was in letting his rather strong biases to rule how he dealt with the situation. Both mistakes led to a chill in the efficiency of the workings on the Enterprise, and undoubtedly hindered much of what we were trying to accomplish, despite the end results."

McCoy nodded, and noted that Scotty was nodding in agreement as well. "You know something?" he asked. "I sometimes wish I was on Explorer with Janeway and Chakotay to see how this all works out. Dax is doing a good job, but I have a feeling that for all the good she's doing, it all really comes together for Janeway when she talks with that husband of hers afterwards. I wouldn't mind writing a new book on command dynamics and base it on those two."

"The three o' us have nae business gallivantin' around in space like when we were young an' spry," Scotty pronounced with a firm nod. His accent was more pronounced with a few drinks in him. His eyes twinkled, though. "I would nae mind being out there, though, and getting into those bonnie fine engines o' the Explorer."

"Perhaps we are past the time that being in space for long durations is practical, but I do admit to a desire to be on Explorer as well, as it is an exploratory vessel in a relatively unknown area of space," Spock agreed. He had not enjoyed commanding the battle group during the Dominion War, but had done his duty as best he could. Exploration and science, though, were the two things he could see himself seriously considering, if the timing and opportunity were right.

McCoy slowly stood up and set his drink down. "Maybe so, Spock, but it doesn't keep an old man from thinking about it," he told his friend. He looked down at Scotty. "Come on, Scotty," he told his other friend. "Help an old man over to his great-great-great granddaughter's home. I promised her I'd come by and visit this evening."

Spock stood as his guests were leaving. "Good evening, gentlemen," he said with a hint of the warmth he felt for them coming through in his tone. He was old enough now to know that the slight showing of emotion could be a benefit rather than a hindrance, and he was readily able to show some signs of that emotion to these two.

"Good night, Mister Spock," Scotty said with a twinkle in his eyes as he called his old friend what he had called him when they served on the Enterprise under Jim Kirk.

"Mr. Scott," Spock inclined his head as they reached the door.

McCoy halted for a moment and looked at Spock. "You know, Spock, Jim had already forgiven you before we had even got back to Earth from Khitomer," he told the venerable Vulcan. "It just took him time to accept it and tell you."

"I know, Dr. McCoy, but thank you for reminding me," Spock said graciously, knowing full well what Dr. McCoy's intent was. He was appreciative of the effort.

"See you tomorrow, Spock," McCoy said with a nod. "Lunch is on me."

"As you wish, Doctor," Spock said in agreement. "Good night, gentlemen."

After his two guests had left, Spock went to his small office and turned on his computer terminal. He began composing a message to Commander Dax on the Explorer. This was much more Dr. McCoy's area of expertise, but he felt that he could offer some insight into what Janeway was dealing with in regards to the Equinox incident. He ended the communique with a short message.

_"It was only after many years of dealing with this subject that I was able to come to some conclusions, and some resolution of the quandaries. In many ways, I believe that Captain Janeway's issues are similar to the ones I had to deal with. I learned that while the mission was correct, and necessary, the means by which I chose to pursue that mission were decidedly incorrect. I was fortunate that Captain Kirk recognized that, and did not let our long standing friendship suffer, though it was cooled somewhat for a time. Then-Commander Chakotay was in the position that Captain Kirk was. He was hemmed in by a mission that he agreed with, but could not countenance the means by which it was being carried out. Like Captain Kirk, he took action when necessary, and forgave when it was appropriate. Captain Janeway, hopefully, will come to realize that it wasn't the mission that Commander Chakotay objected to, but her methods. She will also benefit from the fact that, assuming she has difficulty accepting this truism, that she has no need to feel as if she lost something inherently valuable by her actions. She did not, as subsequent events have demonstrated, and her marriage to Captain Chakotay amply proves. Please feel free to use this communique in any capacity you deem appropriate with your counseling of Captain Janeway in regards to the Equinox incident. Any further assistance I may provide, do not hesitate to inquire. Spock."_

Once the completed message was ready, he entered the subspace designation and sent it along. He would tell Dr. McCoy the next day about it, and was actually curious to see what kind of reaction that his old sparring partner would have. He looked over at the holo-image of his long missing best friend, Jim Kirk, taken while they had a short meeting just as he was getting ready to go aboard the Enterprise-B for that disastrous publicity mission. He felt that his friend would approve of his revealing their discussions about the Khitomer mission, and that he would see the similarities between Janeway, Chakotay, and themselves. He made a note to contact Captain Chakotay in the near future to discuss some of Voyager's more memorable incidents. It would prove to be a fascinating comparison to the missions of the original Enterprise.

_A/N: I apologize once again for how long this has taken me to complete and post. I want to add a brief thanks to Finlaure for looking over the finished product before I posted it. It was certainly helpful to have a bit of assurance as to whether it was on par with the rest of the story posted to date. This chapter serves as a good foundation for the next one in which Dax discusses the Equinox incident with Janeway. Let me know what you think of this one. All the best, Gregg. _


End file.
